One of my brothers is a true angel on earth -- gives so much to so many. He is a never ending source of wisdom and direction -- particularly on matters medical. When Wifey had her stroke, he was, of course, a star member of the Team Wifey I put together, who, along with our amazing neighbor and friend Jose, who happens to be a nationally recognized stroke expert, got Wifey through with flying colors.
But this brother has a flaw I see often with true givers: when the time comes to receive, they're not nearly so good at it.
Well, lately he's dealing with a family health crisis -- his mother, long suffering from a degenerative disease, has taken a turn for the worse. They're trying to tweak her meds, hoping for a hail mary kind of result, but likely he's about to enter the world where Wifey and I have a LOT of experience: long term care for declining parents.
My brother was even a bit reluctant to call upon fellow members of our inner circle, one of whom is the head honcho at a hospital where Mom is getting care! Fortunately he relented, and our man is overseeing things for her.
Of course, I shared what I knew, and reached out to others for connections to the current world of long term care. One friend has a connection to the leading geriatrician around, a fellow I met during my Mom and father in law's long tenure (well, for my father in law) at Miami Jewish. Hopefully this fellow can help.
And then this am I had a thought: our Rabbi friend deals a LOT with very old Jews! Sure enough, Rabbi had a light come on in his kup -- another Rabbi my brother knows runs a non profit with a case worker who is expert at knowing everything about every facility in South Florida -- which are great, which to avoid.
I'm hoping this woman ends up a female, frum version of Winston Wolf. Man, wouldn't that be grand? A true fixer who can get the tough transition from living at home to living with nursing assistance done, and done smoothly.
Wifey and I, after a lovely afternoon with the grandsons, and drive home through a late night storm, sat on the sofa last night, before the debate started, remembering those days when we were in the elder care business.
Ha. The debate. I don't particularly dig Harris, but to think anyone could vote for deranged Trump? A guy who claims that migrants are eating dogs in Ohio? That's for another time.
Anyway, we both know what a long slog it is. My Dad, of course, had the decency to drop at 63. No fuss, no muss for the family -- just checked out during a haircut, and other than setting me up for a lifetime of psychological issues stemming from that day -- all was cool.
But my Mom's decline was 4 years, from the time she was 89 and wrecked her car until she drifted off in a morphine sedated death 2 weeks after turning 93. My father in law had nearly 5 years in nursing care, after his Alzheimers got too involved for him to be cared for at home.
And my suegra? She got to torture Wifey for a lot longer -- all the years she stayed in her condo alone while Richard was in Miami Jewish, until he died and she insisted she needed to move RIGHT THEN, and NOT to an AFL. Wifey scrambled to ready an investment condo we owned ready -- after a comical goodbye with the schlumpy long term tenant we had, Lenny.
I charged Lenny $1K per month, with the proviso that he leave us alone for any minor repairs. I never raised his rent, even though at the end it should have doubled. And he did NOT bother us -- he just let stuff like missing toilet tank covers exist -- like a fraternity bro. We had agreed that either of us would give the other one month notice if we needed to end the tenancy.
I gave him 3, telling him we needed the place back for my ancient suegra. The guy nearly cried -- how could I? This was his HOME! He of course knew his rent was going to at least double elsewhere. He did move, however, and Wifey and I were stunned that a grown man could live like he was living.
$5K later, with dutiful handyman Nestor, the place was restored. My suegra lived there, with an aid during the day, and complained the entire time about being so lonely. Really? Ya think? Wifey took her, and hired a series of drivers to take her, to the casino and other events -- but no dice.
Finally Wifey realized she could no longer cater to her Mom's feelings -- Wifey and I were da captains, now. And so we got her into the Palace ALF, where she lived well for years, until "graduating" across the parking lot to nursing care.
Yep -- we were in that business for the 3 of them for a lot of years. I truly feel for my brother, though he is part of a loving, dedicated team with his sister.
I hope he can in fact accept help as well as he gives it. These times require it.
As for Wifey and me and the Ds? I already have a plan. If by some twist of fate, Wifey should go first, I plan to hire a series of Sofia Vergara looking aids to care for me -- cost be damned. Hopefully I'll have the sense to prevent one of them from becoming Wifey numero dos.
If I go first -- well then -- it'll suck to be the Ds. Hopefully there'll be plenty of money left.
Even if there is, I learned something in caring for the 3 Olds at the end. Plenty of people offer loving words -- but someone has to change the diapers. That's truly love, not just "Oh I feel so bad -- share your feelings with me."
I ask the Big Man to bring peace for my man and his family. These are NOT the fun parts of life.
No comments:
Post a Comment