Eleven years ago, when Paul's second grandchild was born at Baptist Hospital in Kendall, I fetched him for a visit to have dinner at Salvatore D's. We ran into JL, a former Miami Commissioner and father in law of our old boss's boy Bobby. We always liked the affable "Miamuh" guy, and we chatted with him about aging -- Paul was battling chronic back pain. JL said "After 50, every day you wake up and SOMETHING is bothering you. Hopefully not something that'll kill you right away."
JL was right, of course, and he died a few years back at 85. Now that I'm 63, I think of his words each day.
So after an exam and CT scan, I was diagnosed with what I called OMN, for Old Man Neck -- tingling down my arm, and some decent intensity shoulder pain. Luckily, with good PT, my symptoms resolved, and I was fine...until I wasn't!
When I saw my affable doc Rigo, we talked about my tests, and he saw my last colonoscopy was 11 years ago -- I was supposed to have it last year and missed it. I ought to get it, he said, but also try Cologard, where you poop into a plastic bucket and send it off to Wisconsin. He set it up for me, and I got the box.
I did the test, and thought to myself that whoever receives these samples from all over has a really, really bad job. And sure enough, on Saturday, I got my result: the dreaded POSITIVE. Now, Dr. Rigo said not to worry, as I have lots of bleeding issues from an unfortunate inheritance from my Dad -- bad 'rhoids. But of course I need to have the colonoscopy, which I planned on anyway.
I'm so old the GI who did my last two, Neil, retired and moved to Boca, where I guess he meets other retired Miami docs and they grouse about their former careers and how awful they were except for the fact that they got rich doing it. Neil had a 7 figure watch collection, as I recall.
I had seen Dr. Shah for what I called Band Camp -- he placed some bands on my 'rhoids 3 years ago that helped a lot. I had decided to switch to him when Neil retired. Last year, I had a telehealth appointment with him when I thought some NSAIDS I was prescribed for shoulder pain had caused stomach ulcers. I NEVER have stomach pain, but did after these pain pills. Luckily I was better by the time we spoke, and I forgot to follow up with the endoscopy appointment.
I told all this to Wifey, and she was her usual comforting self. Ha. As if! She said "Wow -- you NEVER forget to follow up with medical stuff. This is unlike you!" I told her that if in fact I have metastatic colon cancer, I guess she gets the ultimate "I told you so!" She didn't mean to make me feel worse, of course, but she did...
Anyway, I have a telehealth with Dr. Shah today, and then hopefully the scoping set up soon. I'm told there's now pills to take for the prep, instead of that awful gallons' worth of horrible tasting liquid -- it made me think I was drinking seawater.
Until I get the test, my anxious brain will take me to the darkest corners of cancer treatments. It's a major mental flaw I have -- don't worry about my health too much, until there's a symptom or two, and then I'm convinced it's all over.
Years ago, I had headaches, which I rarely have. I was convinced it was glioblastoma, and I'd have a year or so left -- I was already deciding whether or not to have treatment or just enjoy the time I had. My neighbor and now UM Chair of Neurology Jose ordered an MRI. I joked with him he CURED me -- it was normal. Also, he's Sephardic, and never heard the Borsht Belt joke about them examining my head and finding nothing. He liked it.
11 years ago, I had burping, and was convinced it was pancreatic cancer -- also a short life expectance diagnosis. I had the colonoscopy PLUS an upper -- and I DID have a real thing: h.Pylori. Fortunately Neil cured me with 3 meds, and confirmed the cure with a breath test to show the offending bacteria were gone.
And then there was the high PSA, also about 12 years ago. Back then, the standard called for a biopsy, which was negative. I then had another test -- an MRI. I knew the wait for those results would be another chance to plan my funeral, until Kenny called his Radiologist colleague (some woman is the prostate expert, funnily enough) and told me all was well on my drive back to the office.
And now so it is with my colon...
If my whistling past the graveyard finally fails -- well -- I'll simply deal with it. Since 4 days before I turned 21, I have been very aware that life is a fatal disease -- just hopefully not for awhile.
And there is something to look forward to -- propofol. I had it for my biopsy and second scoping -- milk of amnesia, Dr. Barry says they call it. For me, along with knocking me out like a light, it had an amazing side effect: when I awoke, I was totally anxiety free. I joked at the time they could have told me there was a shooter on the UF campus (D2 was in college then) and I would have said "Oh I'm sure she's ok."
The effects wore off in an hour or so, and I went back to worrying about my family and friends, but that post procedure period was sublime...
So I ask the Big Man to make this all fine. And then move onto the next insult to youth...
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