In January of 1987 Wifey and I were married. It was a lovely affair, which neither of us really wanted. We were "cool" then, and wanted an afternoon party, maybe outside. My late suegros would hear NONE of that! Wifey was an only child, and Survivors were known to give major wedding gifts, even if they weren't well off, as my suegros were NOT. We caved, and learned later my suegros took out a home equity loan to pay the $10K or so the wedding cost.
This proved a good guilt investment, as years later when we had some financial tensosity -- they felt we owed them a condo "on da vater," my suegra could say "Nice. After ve MORTGAGED the house for your wedding!" Reminding her it was THEIR choice was fruitless, as was the fact that my mom paid for the music.
Anyway, at said wedding, Wifey and I walked to all the tables (there were 165 guests) and greeted them. My aunts and cousins gave checks that were comically small. One entire family, my Aunt Florence, brought like 10 people and gave a total gift less than $50. The Survivors, though, as I mentioned, were VERY generous -- their checks were more like $500 or so. This was a big deal to us -- we used some of the gift money to pay off my one high interest loan from UM Law -- I think for $3K that was charging 12% per year. But I'm slowly getting to the point...
As were were chatting with one couple, Eric came running over to me. "Pat Travers just took the stage!" Pat was our friend who had 3 gold records, and NEVER did hokey things like playing with Borscht Belt type wedding players. But he did, and we turned to run to the stage. The fellow I was with grabbed my arm and stopped me, saying "Ya better come back! Dis is how you make your money tonight!"
I remember thinking: how crass! How transactional! Give a gift or don't, but don't make me obligated!
We ran and watched Pat lead the band in "Good Lovin" and "Gimme Me Some Lovin." Wifey's friend Eileen, fueled HEAVILY by alcohol, decided to play his Stevie Nicks, and joined him -- but sang the wrong lyrics. Pat, the professional, guided her back, and it was a MOST memorable moment -- existing somewhere on VHS tape and probably DVD -- players for neither which exist in my house anymore. Maybe someday the Ds can figure out a transfer to current tech and watch it -- or play it for us.
But the point is: yesterday I came to the realization that the demanding guest was RIGHT! Givers DO wish to be respected, and if they're not, will go elsewhere.
We've been blessed to have some extra shekels, and can do charity. When D1 started grad school, she could have gone to any private university, and getting her MS would have cost probably well over $250K -- tuition at a place like NYU, which she considered, was over $50K, plus living in NYC, which back then was FAR more pricey than Miami. Now Miami has caught up.
We had the savings, and I told her to go where she wished, but she opted instead for FIU -- her Mom's alma mater. Tuition was $7K per year, and even with expenses like a Brickell apartment, buying a MS was FAR cheaper.
I had the sense that I didn't want to be the rich guy who took advantage of that, and so I met with her program director, and said, in effect, I wanted to donate D1's total 3 year tuition -- $21K. This way, maybe one of her peers who didn't come from such a comfortable upbringing could attend without worry.
Helen, the longtime professor, who I dug right away as she was from a working class NY background like mine, though Italian, had a better idea. Turns out, for D1's degree, you have to do a several month internship, with different types of places Dietitians work -- hospital, school, industrial kitchen. And you can't work outside while you do this, and the internships are unpaid.
For kids from poorer backgrounds, THIS stage of their training is tough. They get loans and grants for tuition, but not the internships.
So a Family Scholarship was formed, and each year would grant funds to a fledgling Dietitian doing her (usually they're women) internships. After D1 graduated, we gave appreciated stock to the Scholarship, and it's now a real sort of deal -- investment of the funds has the value well over $150K.
And I was given a handler -- technically a "contact with the Development Office," who I dealt with. She was lovely -- and Eastern European woman who each year sent us tickets to FIU's big fundraiser -- the South Beach Wine and Food Festival. Some years D2 and Jonathan would attend, and often Wifey and I would -- last year we went to a dinner in the Gables and got a ride home from fellow donors -- my first time in a Bentley! I imagine those folks get SEVERAL handlers.
Anyway, I had mentioned the SBWFF to Kenny and Joelle -- would they like to attend this year? They would, and last weekend it came up. Hey! I usually hear from my contact by January -- this year, nothing. So I emailed -- no response. The festival starts this weekend.
I did some checking -- my contact had left in November, and FIU didn't contact me. So I reached out, and was given a new person, and I called her yesterday.
We spoke, and right away I sensed some haugtiness. I asked if she was an FIU alum. Nope -- "UM Business" she proudly said. Great -- I right away assumed she was a rich guy's daughter -- I wasn't getting my requested perk this year -- probably she figured I was just an annoying guy looking for a freebie. Actually, I guess that's very accurate.
But she texted later -- would I like 4 tickets to an awesome event Saturday? It features 4 chefs Wifey, Joelle, and Kenny and I all know -- we've been to their restaurants Eating House, No Name Chinese, and Finka. The tickets show "Sold Out" and cost $175 each.
I guess the new Development VP checked and learned I was at least deserving of this. I told her right away I WOULD love to go -- Joelle and Kenny are excited. And then she asked if I wanted ANOTHER event -- some burger thing on South Beach. No thanks, I said - one event was fine.
But I thought of the cranky old wedding guest from 1987. I am become him, to use stilted grammar.
Charity should be its own reward, but givers DO like to feel appreciated. And despite the little glitch-- mission accomplished.
I never for a moment forget this is a classic "Rich white man problem." And it is. A good one to have.
And, it turns out, there IS still such a thing as a free lunch. We hope to have it this weekend.
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