Extensions

So two weeks ago we attended dear friends' daughter's wedding, and something jumped out at Wifey and me:  how close their extended family is.  Cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and even great grandparents were center stage -- in the bride's life as well as in the party.

My friend Barry has the same dynamic -- his sister LIVES for his two boys.  Part of it is she has no kids of her own, but she has always adored her nephews -- and the two young men consult her and speak to her more than weekly.

This Father's Day I'll be attending a brunch at my friend Norman's house.  Norman and his siblings and nieces and nephews are likewise very close.  The patriarch of the family is nearly 90 year old Max -- one of my favorite people.  He is a man whose children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren actively fight for his attention -- and he flies all over the country to visit the newest family addition.

This closeness wasn't in the cards for us.  Sadly, after my Mom died, the family fell mostly apart -- the remaining relationships are surface, at best, and non existent in many cases.  The causes are manifold -- and I surely take some blame for it -- but the ties that bind many families are frayed permanently.

On Wifey's side -- she's an only child, and her mother, still part of the family, has entered into the stage where she must just be kept ok and alive -- no one is going to her for life advice, in a Norman Rockwell manner.

Maybe it's in our DNA.  My mother was one of 5, and each of her siblings' families has glaring examples of people not talking to each other.  Often, the breaks came after the parents dies.  My closest cousin growing up, Michael, barely speaks to his brother Jeff and sister Janet, and Jeff and Janet are done forever, over disputes following their father's estate.

As for my relationship with my cousins -- things just drifted apart.  Years ago, I realized that when something great or awful happened in my life, it wouldn't occur to me to reach out to any of them.  They'd call me for free legal advice, as I was the only lawyer in the family, and that led to one great example of broigus -- the great Yiddish word meaning long time family feud.

My cousin Linda and her husband Steve would call me at least a few times per year -- seeking advice about real estate matters, traffic tickets, corporations, etc...They knew I was a one trick pony -- personal injury, but that never prevented them from drinking at the free trough.

At one party, Steve came up and asked me to look over a settlement statement -- Linda had been rear ended by a car, hired some lawyer from the School Board magazine, and settled for $300K.  The lawyer charged a $100K fee, but Steve wondered if the litigation costs were too high.  I asked, incredulously, why they hadn't come to me for THIS case -- one I would have handled, and charged them a reduced fee.  He just shrugged his shoulders.  I put my arm around his shoulder, and hissed that I NEVER got involved between a lawyer and his client, and to never ask me a legal question again.

The NOIVE of that guy!  I wished my father was alive to share the tale with me.  He always made great fun of Linda and her family as being the less than genius side of my Mom's family -- and Steve fit right in.  Dad would have laughed with me heartily.

D1's fiance Joey is VERY close with his family.  His brothers are closer than brothers to him.  Most of the guest at the upcoming wedding are cousins and aunts and uncles all from Bogota.  This very weekend, he and D1 are flying to Cartegena to attend the wedding of a friend/distant cousin.

Latin Jewish families seem to be close in the way European Jewish families were when they first emigrated to the US.  Over the generations and time, I guess that often gets lost.

Wifey's closest friend Edna has it the same way.  She has a sister who is severely mentally ill and now homeless -- living on the streets of Hollywood, Florida.  The two were never close, and as her sister developed a deep envy for Edna's easier life, things just went from bad to worse.  So she and Wifey make up for their lack of biological siblings with a most intimate friendship.  I really dig Edna, and consider her a sister as well.

So, as I age, my "plate" gets smaller.  The plate is my mental representation of those I feel very responsible for.  My mother in law remains on it, and will until the end.

Such is the state of the modern extended family -- at least in our case.