And the Next Generation Will Be Better

My Dad was an extremely warm and loving man -- to us, his family. When he held his grandchildren, you could see the joy on his face. I kissed him good night each night -- including the one before he died. But he wasn't raised that way -- his parents were very cold and standoffish...They weren't abusive -- they just never went in for any physical affection, or professions of love and caring. My Dad told me when he met my mother's family, he was struck by the contrast. My mother's family, much less intellectually focused than my father's, was very warm and loving. They often shared hugs, and spoke openly of their love for each other. My Dad vowed to be more like them with his own family, and he was. My mother in law, though a caring and loving grandmother to my Ds, is, well, difficult as a suegra, as the great Spanish word describes her. I've always liked that word -- it sounds less than pretty to me...as my mother in law is. Years ago, my mother in law realized that in her haste to move to a Century Village condo, she picked the less than "upscale" part of the development, and felt a bit socially inferior to her fellow Miami Holocaust Survivors who had all flocked to CV. So she approached Wifey and me and asked us to buy her a place which became infamously known as "on de vater." I refused -- in the manual of my duties as a son in law, I determined, taking care of my in laws' daughter, and being a great Dad to their grandchildren was listed -- paying tens of thousands for something silly was not. Well, my suegra embarked upon a long campaign of guilt throwing to Wifey: "Oy -- each night I soak de pillow mit my tears because I DREAM of de place on de vater." The ensuing years strained us -- a lot. Wifey agreed with me that her mother was being absurd, but still the toxic guilt leached into her soul. Finally, I gave in -- and we bought the damn place. Now, 16 years later, we're hopefully going to sell it -- as I lament what a $120K investment (say in Apple Stock) might be today -- instead of the less than $10K gain we're going to make. Whatever. My suegra got her way. Now, her ugly irrationality and selfishness are rearing their ugly heads again. After my father in law died, the suegra demanded to move -- too many memories of her loving husband. Wifey suggested she go to an ALF -- but she refused. Although she is 91, she is grossed out by seeing people of her same age -- she literally puts her nose in the air when she passed by ancients in wheelchairs when visiting my father in law at MJH over 3 years. So Wifey offered her living close to us -- in a rental condo we own less than 10 minutes away. We booted out our 9 year tenant Lenny -- a loveable but financially challenged guy who never wanted to move - and Wifey set about making the condo beautiful for her mother -- painting, new toilet, deep cleaning, lovely furnishings her mother has owned for years. And more, Wifey set her up with a busy schedule with drivers that took her to Magic City Casino to play the slots, to her doctor, just minutes away, and to shopping. We took her to dinner weekly -- Wifey visited at least 2 more weekly times. But now the "I soak my pillows mit tears" crap has started again. Her best friend and cousin, who was estranged from my suegra for years, on account of some slight involving their dying husbands, is now back in the picture -- living in an expensive ALF up in Lauderhill (her Boca daughter put her there). So the old woman stubbornly wants to join her -- illogically, of course, since she despises other old people, but has raised a ruckus, and Wifey is powerless against her mother's assault. So now Wifey will undertake another futile attempt to make her mother happy -- all because of that damned 5th commandment! It will end poorly, I'm sure -- major hassle moving the suegra there, she will end up miserable, and demand a new solution. And I'm already feeling stupid for leasing Wifey's new SUV with only 10K miles per year -- I didn't anticipate this new regular long commute for her. But the bigger point is, in the way my father learned what NOT to do -- I took a pledge. I pledged to the Ds that I will NEVER become an in law to them and their spouses like my suegra was to me. I will never manipulate them and cause grief for my own desires. I will be there for them and never stress their marriages. So even the negative might teach us to be positive...