Glowing Medical Tests, Aging, Etc...

Wifey and I have been members of MDVIP since our good friend Dave joined that company. You pay a yearly fee, and in return get "concierge" treatment, with appointments the next day, at the latest, quick diagnostic tests, and coverage wherever you travel. Dave never charged us the fee -- I would do legal work in barter -- but he retired three years ago, to be replaced by a smart, friendly woman from Texas named Mary, who was moving to the 305 with her sportswriter husband, who covered the Fish for MLB.com. Mary gave us all the first year free, but then started charging, and we kept it up. Wifey is a BIG consumer of health care, and as a courtesy Mary gives the Ds exams when they need them, as well as blood draws. Plus, Nurse Nancy, David and now Mary's long time assistant, draws blood like a vampire on xanax -- she's the only one D2 wants to let touch her. And we LOVE Nancy -- we joke with Dr. Mary that we'll only remain patients as long as Nancy is there. She says we're not the only ones. So I go for my annual "Executive exam," where they draw 6 vials of blood and tell you EVERYTHING about your health, in an attempt to stave off issues before they pop up. Other than that, I tend to avoid medical visits. Until...I had strange, vague back pains over the course of a few weeks -- not sharp, and along the spine, but what I learned are called "flank pains." Like everyone, I looked up the conditions on the web, and figured I had kidney failure, or lymphoma, or pancreatic cancer. So I went to see Dr. Mary to get the confirmation of the news, and start planning my trip to Positano, where I would spend my final months... I saw Dr. Mary, and Nancy, and Dr. MAry's cancer sniffing Doodle dog, who thankfully sniffed me and went and sat down. When the dog puts her head in your lap, apparently, you're as good as dead. Dr. Mary wanted to rule out kidney stones, and set me up for a CT Scan. The staff called, and found an opening at a Baptist Children's Diagnostic outpost, in West Kendall. Did I know where it was? I did, since my old friend Kenny often manned that center -- he's a Peds radiologist. Well, it turned out they now did adults as well. I went for my final breakfast, before learning my short fate, at Bagel Emporium. As I was pulling into the lot, the office called and said I was set for noon. As I said, the MDVIP people provide outrageously good service -- like you lived in a small town, and knew all the docs. I texted Ken -- was he on service? He WAS, and I told him an oversized child would be filling his CT scan later. He told me to come early, so we could have lunch. The tech put me in the machine. I was happy to learn it would only take 10 minutes. At a MRI I had a few years back, to rule out prostate cancer, I had a panic attack from claustrophobia after 40 minutes in THAT machine. This time -- no such issues. As soon as I was done, Kenny pulled me into the viewing room. Great news -- normal test, although I DID have the spine of a 55 year old, with curving, and compressions, and osteophytes, or bone spurs, that would easily explain my subtle back pain. Ken said the only cure for further degeneration was to die, so I guess, like everyone else, I'll live with back pain. I thanked Ken, and left. A few hours later, he texted, and said his colleague also checked my heart -- and my arteries showed ZERO calcium buildup. This meant I was, deapite being a fat 55 year old, at low risk for heart attack. I told Ken this threw a wrench into my plans. Since I was 20, and my Dad died in my arms, I fully expected to check out in my early to mid 60s, like he did. If I'm to last years later, I need to re-jigger my plans. I called D1 to tell her the news. Her response: "Great Dad -- but you're still fat, and I want you in better shape." She's right -- she and her sister really love me and want me for grandpa duty...but food is SO delicious. We're headed to Salvatore D's tonight with our friend Diane. Maybe I'll skip the pasta fajole and chicken parm, and get the grilled fish and a salad. I'm not betting on that... So I was happy -- unintended good news. Dr. Mary called to deliver it, but I pre-emppted her. She laughed. I told her I hoped all the news she would deliver would be so good. She agreed, but said it was not to be. So we head to Mother's Day, and will honor Wifey, and later her mother. Nice to do so without kidney stones or coronary calcifications...