Old Man's (Watch This Space)

 So several weeks ago, I developed a very noticeable paresthesia in my right arm -- I kept thinking there was a spider web between my elbow and hand, but there was none. There was also some neck pain, and my hypochondriacal mind went right to ALS, or Lou Gehrig's Disease. After a week or so, I went to see Dr. Rigo, my affable family doc.

Nah, he explained, ALS starts at the extremities and goes inwards -- he was guessing pinched nerve in my neck, and maybe get a CT scan to make sure nothing else was going on. After a comical journey through the dysfunctional world of medical charging, where the Baptist Outpatient Center said they wanted $4K from me until I actually got it done at a free standing center for $150, the results came in. Indeed, I did have a "severe" narrowing of the opening in the spine where the C5-C6 nerves come out -- it totally explained my symptoms.

Dr. Rigo said I COULD see a neurosurgeon, but I already knew for me to get spine surgery, I would need to by totally dysfunctional, or at risk of paralysis. It seemed I was neither, and so instead went for PT. I guess I had about 15 sessions in all, and felt some relief, and then, like a Lourdes miracle, the symptoms completely disappeared. Zero pins and needles, and zero neck pain.

I labeled what I had OMN, or "Old Man Neck," since that's what it was. The aging had simply made stuff narrower and more brittle -- but thankfully the symptoms cleared.

And, since being old means there's always something, a new, annoying symptom appeared -- tinnitus. All of a sudden there was a low whine in both ears -- not enough to make me crazy, but noticeable.

I decided I knew the cause -- severe hypertension. My BP is right in range, which is surprising given my obesity. I figured it finally spiked, and was causing the ringing -- I would see Dr. Rigo and Nurse Nancy, the reading would be like 250/150, and they would call 911 lest I stroke out or suffer an MI in the office.

Again -- my files at the office tend to be among the thinnest, but when I feel a symptom, I go to the worst. Burping, a few years back? Must be pancreatic cancer. Turned out it was H. Pylori, which cleared up after a week of drugs. Headaches, which I thankfully rarely get? Glioblastoma, which I swear friend and neighbor Dr. Jose cured by having me get an MRI (which was way cool as I listened to Lou Reed while they did it).

High PSA? Stage 4 prostate cancer, even though the biopsy and later MRI showed was just enlarged prostate.

So this time it was going to be hypertension that did me in.

I saw Nurse Nancy today, and sure enough, she removed impacted wax the size of rivets. She did my BP -- barely above "normal," but per Dr. Rigo, reversible by weight loss. I've been cutting carbs for 2 weeks now...

I asked him about the new weight loss injectables. He said my A1C was too low to qualify, but an aggressive endocrinologist could get me past the hump. Why not just eat better, he suggested, and work out more? Turns out that causes weight loss, too.

Anyway, Nurse Nancy gave me a flu shot. I asked about tetanus -- nope -- I had one 5 years ago, so I can go step on as many rusty nails as I find.

Friday I get the new Covid over at CVS. Ain't nobody got time to get real sick from that no more.

And then I reached out to Gastro Health -- when was my last colonoscopy, done by now retired Dr. Neal? That's a sure sign of aging, too -- when docs near your own age are retiring.

Dr. Neal's replacement, Dr. Shah, wrote me back that it was time -- it had been 11 years. D1 and Wifey use Dr. Morgan, a friend of D1's, but she's at UHealth, and navigating that system is a bear -- I think I may just set it up with the affable Dr. Shah at Mercy and hope for the best.

The good news is that at a certain age, I believe near 80, no more scopes -- they figure you're as likely to die WITH colon diseases as from it. Something to look forward to...

But for now, as usual, I thanked the Big Man. Hopefully the tinnitus clears now that the rivets are removed -- Dr. Rigo said it may take a few days. If not, it's certainly tolerable -- and a reminder that, somehow, I'm not in my 30s, or 40s, or even 50s anymore.