The Howling

Along with good looks, intelligence, and razor sharp senses of irony and humor, my father passed down to me a world class case of hemorrhoids.

I know I'm not alone in this regard --apparently 70% of Americans share my discomfort.

I've been dealing with them for years, and about 10 years ago, went to see a surgeon who did something called, truthfully, rubber band ligation. That fellow, NOT of deft hand, placed some bands on the offending tissue to choke them off, and leave me be. IT worked for about 6 or 7 years.

Alas, the "Rrhoids" returned, despite my attendance at, as I called it, Band Camp.

They're fortunately not painful, but sometimes cause, well, let's just say the females aren't the only ones in the house who get their periods...

I decided to try a different surgeon, one I had vetted for much faster dexterity. I saw him today, and he was terrific. He's a few years younger than I am, well trained, and to the point.

He took me into the examining room and said he'd "scope things out" and then do some ligations. The "scope things out" would have caused, if I didn't stifle myself, an ululation probably detectable by the hard of hearing in Homestead. As it was, I grimmaced and bore it.

After torturing me for 30 seconds, in a table that tilted, space ship style, to about 45 degrees, he aborted the mission and told me to pull my pants up.

"Sorry, Mr. Dave --you're not a candidate for the bands anymore. If I tried it on you, you'd jump off the table and run out of here."

He was nothing if not effectively graphic.

Turns out, he thinks I'm a candidate for a good old hemorrhoidectomy. He'd do it under sedation (As if I'd man up otherwise) and, he warned "I'm not going to sugarcoat it --the one week recovery is pretty uncomfortable."

"Uncomfortable." To me, that's sitting at a Canes game when it's a tad hotter than I'd like. "Uncomfortable" isn't the word I'd use for enduring the feeling of being knifed in the tuches for 7 days...

Dr. Eric called to chat, and have some laughs at my bottom's expense. He had many patients who had the surgery. "Forget it" were the intricate words of my Harvard trained dear friend.

And so I will.

The way I figure it, I'm so blessed, and lucky, that into each life, some hemorrhoids must fall.

And Dr. L, deft hands and all, had a packed waiting room. He won't even miss the absence of my tuches...