Death Day

 So yesterday, the anniversary of my Dad's death, turned out to be all about the hereafter.

First, Wifey and I met the affable Kenny the funeral sales guy at 1130 at Mt. Nebo, where her parents are buried. Kenny used to own sneaker stores in the area, and we have many connections. He sold them and went into sales for the dead. I suspect he does very well.

Turns out -- a traditional Jewish funeral is VERY expensive -- even one without any bells or whistles. The cemetery sells plots for $12K each. Luckily, resourceful Wifey found some on the secondary market -- for $5K each, from an ex pat Miamian named Leah. More about her later.

Ok,so far, not so bad. BUT...you have to buy a concrete liner, pay for the digging up and filling in, transit from the dead Jew depot in North Miami, where all bodies are prepared. I never knew "casketing" was a verb, but it is.

And then you have to pay for the markers, the service, etc, etc, etc...Even with the $14K savings, the whole in deal is about $18K per person. They let you finance about $10K of that for 5 years at zero interest. I typically pay off all debts, but I figure maybe not paying off this one cosmically guarantees us at least another 5 years on the earth.

The good news is, now, when the time comes, the Ds just make a call and all is taken care of. Kenny said we could "prepay" for the Rabbi. No way, I said -- freaking Yossi or one of his rabbi sons will OWE us -- they better be available.

I completely see why my father opposed this, and opted for a simple cremation, which runs about $1500 all in. But, my heart, and now Wifey's, tell us we ought to have traditional Jewish funerals -- and so we shall -- hopefully in many years.

So Leah, the seller of holes, is someone Wifey found online -- an Ebay for the Death Industry called, for real, gravesolutions.com.

Leah graduated Beach High in 1960, and lives in Harlem. What? White Jewish artists live there again? Apparently they do. Now THAT would have cracked up my Dad.

We spoke to Leah and then emailed her, and she is getting together all the paperwork -- deeds and such -- from her father's purchase of plots at Mt. Nebo in 1965.

She has a daughter, in her 50s, it appears, who is opening an expensive aromatherapy salon in Wynwood this Fall -- we already have invites, and Laura, the daughter, thinks I'm hilarious. She said she would give us free aura readings, and I asked her what happens if my aura reader flees in terror?

Funny how you can meet people and make friends -- over never used gravesites, it turns out!

So the other good thing, as Barry pointed out he learned from his brother in law when he paid for his mother's funeral --you get a lot of frequent flyer points. And so we will.

I joked with Wifey that this expensive funeral business means we can't take an expensive Danube River trip we're discussing with Eric and Dana next Spring. As I expected, her reply was "Over my dead body!"

Yes -- the jokes write themselves when dealing with this stuff.

After hours with affable Kenny, we went to Matheson Hammock, to honor my parents. Wifey walked through the mangroves to the spot we illegally put in my Mom's cremains.

I told Dad I had NOT followed his footsteps, and instead opted for a traditional Jewish burial. It got quiet, and maybe I heard the breeze through the tropical trees say "Schmuck!"

Nah. Like the rest of my religion, which makes me the total outlier in my family, it's in my heart.

I was telling my California sister about the purchase, and she told me in so many words that I was an idiot to spend this kind of money.

I didn't rise to the bait, and start auditing a list of questionable life choices we may have each made. Rather, I asked her plans. She had none. I guess that IS a plan -- let your kids worry about it.

I don't plan on ever buying any new real estate. If we DO sell Villa Wifey -- renting ought to suit us just fine.

So now, once the paperwork is vetted, including an affidavit from Leah's sister living in France, we will own a couple of pieces of land West of the Palmetto, between Miller and Sunset.

And I will ask the Big Man to please prevent us from having to move there for a very good, long while.