Sad and Shocking News

Wifey heard some awful news last night: her young second cousin, in his 40s, died. No cause was available, but it doesn't appear medically related.

Effie is Wifey's first cousin't son. He comes from a modern orthodox family -- he was born and raised in Baltimore. We got to know him over the years, during his trips to Miami.

More than 20 years ago, he and his brother, Yisroel, came for the weekend. They keep shabbos and kosher, and we asked our rabbi friend for an invite. They were happy to have us. The boys' Dad was a long time employee of Empire Kosher, and EVERY shabbos dinner was chicken. When our friend Nechama served us the food, the boys laughed: indeed, it was chicken. They charmingly said it was their first shabbos away from home, and thought maybe it wouldn't be chicken. We all laughed.

After dinner, I walked the 2.5 miles home with them, while Wifey drove with the Ds. We set them up in our guest room, and when Wifey went in to check, they were in bed with a bright light on. Wifey asked why they didn't turn it off -- they were used to NOT touching switches during shabbos. So Wifey comically made believe she was yawning and "accidentally turned out the light. More hilarity ensued when they opened the non shabbos refrigerator, causing the light to go on.  We embraced our differences.

Years later, Effie married, and had a baby girl, I guess around '99. He was working in NYC, and lived in a religious 'hood in Brooklyn. He was very unhappy in his marriage, but divorce was very uncommon in his world.

He nearly had a novel-worthy experience during 9/11. He arrived late for a meeting at the World Trade Center, as the plane hit. He told us later he seriously saw it as his way out: he'd "disappear" and be presumed killed in the disaster. But as he walked over the Brooklyn Bridge, he thought about his young daughter, and instead went home. Another baby girl came the following year.

Still, there would be a divorce. He and his ex stayed friends, and raised two beautiful and smart girls. Effie and his girls stayed with us when they were, I guess, about 10 and 8. Wifey and I loved it - the two of them reminded us of the Ds at young ages.  I think one has just now graduated from college, and the other from high school.

Wifey spoke to him several months ago. He made a special visit to see his great aunt -- my mother in law. He was very close to his grandfather Alter, my suegra's beloved younger brother, now long gone. He came to see Rachel to honor his grandfather.

He and Wifey caught up -- he was dating a nice lady, his career was going well, his daughters were flourishing. There was no hint to Wifey of depression or anything that may have led to his end.

I guess the facts will come out, but does it really matter? I just think of a delightful young man -- I had the pleasure of many nice talks with him. He was beloved by his siblings and parents. I can't imagine their pain.

Last night I read an essay by a Chabad scholar, a man named Tzvi Freeman. He's a Canadian born rabbi and writer, who was a computer genius before becoming religious. He wrote about a Spanish medieval rabbi and his thoughts about keeping a peaceful mind -- the key is realizing that, despite our egos, we are NOT in charge.

The essay pointed out that each night, we need to appreciate the series of miracles that allowed us to live as long as we have. It's a miracle we survived more than an hour after being born -- we wouldn't, but for our mother's sustaining us, and later the love of our family. He points out that when a man piles a few blocks together, he thinks he is a big deal -- but he isn't.

The point is, we plan, and we analyze, and, worst of all, we worry, but things are certainly out of our control. Truly accepting that ends anxiety. I hope I can.

Still -- there is deep pain in the loss of this fine young man. I hope for peace for his daughters and the rest of his family.

At some point, I'll reach out to the girls. I know what it's like to lose a beloved father as a young man. I'm saddened they're learning that, too.