More Rich White Folks Hi-jinks

So a source of great humor during the plague quarantine continues to be my privileged 'hood, and the denizens thereof. Today during my afternoon walk with Kenny, 2 reared their hilarious heads.

The first was the strange garbage lady. She had her panties all up in a bunch on Monday because neighbors were, gasp, putting their dog poop bags into her trash bin, and making the bin smell like, well, garbage AND dog poop. Jeff and I had great sport at her expense -- Jeff saying he had it happen but wouldn't dream of making a big deal of it, and me saying I pledged not to put any of Jeff's "accidents" in her bin. She was so out of breath with outrage, she didn't hear either snarky comment.

Well, today Kenny came for our constitutional, and this time the same nutcase was standing next to 2 large piles of tree trimmings. We get two free pickups of bulk trash per year, and people tend to use them for tree trimmings, or old furniture, etc...

The neighbor had strung each large pile with twine, as if she were fastening them to the roof of a car, and put up signs warning against "adding to her trash pile."  And she stood sentinel next to them! It usually takes Solid Waste several days to get out to pick up the trash -- I wonder whether she plans to camp next to these piles.

Freud would have had a field day with her.

I typically don't scoop after my dog, but I'm tempted to do so now, just so I can toss the poop bag onto the top of the verboten tree pile. If Riva, oops, used her name, comes out screaming, I'd say I though the anti dog poop bag rule only applied to her BINS -- not tree trimming pile. Who can follow all these rules????

Exhibit two involves an octogenarian widow I'll call Edie, since that's her name. Her rich doctor husband had the decency to die years ago, leaving her set for life. We had one encounter with her, soon after we moved in. Wifey never forgot it.

D1 was on the Palmetto High dance team, and had to sell gift wrap as a fundraiser. Of course, every neighbor bought from the adorable 14 year old in the blue uniform. One neighbor, Arno, bought like $50 worth -- just to be the mentsch he still is.  Well -- one neighbor didn't buy, and Wifey still recalls the encounter.

Edie, already very old, seemingly, 17 years ago, came to the door, and said "I can't be bothered with this now -- I have an upcoming appointment with my financial advisor." And shut the door.

Since then, I barely see the old bitch, and really thought she had died. She has emerged, taking walks around the 'hood.

After Kenny got to see the Freudian anal retentive Riva, we were making our way down 131 Street. I spotted Edie standing in a driveway next to her house. Hello, I bellowed, "gorgeous afternoon."

She said "You're taking up the whole street!" I thought she was just commenting on the fact that we were walking apart, and said "Well, we have to social distance." She said "You can walk behind each other" and I said "But then it's hard to talk."

I thought it a bit weird she was so interested in our walking placement, but then she blurted out "I can't get by! I HAVE TO WAIT!"  Oh, so that was it.

I stopped, and put on my best Colonial British Indian accent. I bowed to her. "One thousand apologies, Edie. I had no idea we were in your way.  I know there is no way I can ever replace the 30 seconds I have now stolen from your life, but perhaps you will forgive this trespass."

She snarled. "I know what social distancing is. But you took up the WHOLE STREET!"

I thought of my late, dear mother. She might have gone over and knocked the old crone over.

But again -- it gave Kenny and me laughter.

And I'm pretty sure Edie still wouldn't buy gift wrap for a good cause...

May these remain the biggest problems in our colorful neighborhood...