Legal Eagle

One of the reasons Paul and I were so successful in our careers is due to the incompetence and ineptitude of many of our opponents. Sometimes the lawyers on the other side were afraid of us. Often they were just clueless about the proper way to handle a case. My skills were put to use last week, for no monetary gain or glory, other than having a great tale to share around the upcoming Canes games tailgate parties... It involves Dr. Barry. He was subpoenaed to appear at a hearing last Thursday, on a matter he had zero to do with, and of which he knew nothing. As best I can tell, he was brought into this brouhaha (one of Wifey's favorite words) because a colleague in the adult hospital refused to testify in "Mental Health Court" about a patient who was pregnant and wanted to terminate, and also get her tubes ties. I must confess I didn't even know there WAS such a court. I learned its a division of the Probate Court, and has hearings in some meeting room near Jackson Memorial. The Magistrate Judge has had his position since 1979. More about him in a moment... I told Barry he had a staff of attorneys at his beck and call, who would represent him and get him quickly and effortlessly extricated from this mess. Ha. As if. The in house staff, which has, I think, about 8 lawyers and the same number of paralegals, assigned a paralegal to the job, and she told Barry he needed to be in Court Thursday am. Barry explained he was leaving for a conference in Orlando -- could it be rescheduled. The paralegal emailed that "she told the court he wasn't coming." Now my antennae went up. You can't just blow off a subpoena -- Barry knows this. He'd no more ignore one than I would ignore blood pouring out of an open cut. So I had Barry email that he assumed she had gotten him released. Hearing nothing, he left on his trip. And then the fun started. Apparently, the hearing went on, resulting in a very angry judge, and even more pissed off assistant public defender -- who represented the poor insane pregnant woman. I think an order to show cause was issued. No big deal -- it's just the last step before Barry could have been held in contempt and possibly arrested. I emailed and called the General Counsel's office no less than 5 times. They ignored me like I was telling them UM needed to shut down because of Zika mosquitoes. In my 30 years as a lawyer, the only time I've been totally ingnored by other counsel was when they were sleazebags operating out of store fronts. Now I have a basis of comparison for my alma mater's in house law firm. So I took matters into my own hands. I called the Magistrate Judge. He was a great guy -- sort of confused why Barry was being hauled into his court -- and wondering why his employer's legal team didn't handle this. I told him as a UM alum, I was embarrassed. He said that as a fellow UM alum, he was, too. He gave me the name of the PD who asked for the subpoena. I then called my friend Joel, who used to work at the PD office, and gave the name. He knew him. I called -- after the required making fun of our mutual friend Joel, I asked him about the case. It wasn't his, but he promised to track it down for me. 20 minutes later, the mini mystery of why the Judge gave me his name was solved -- the case belonged to his WIFE, who has the same last name. I spoke to her. She was a firebrand --passionate, Liberal, really believes in doing good for the most needy. After I let her vent about what assholes the U's lawyers were, she listened to me and believed I was telling the truth -- Barry was the wrong guy. She agreed to release him from his subpoena. There was relief in Orlando. Barry could enjoy his trip, including dropping his little boy Scott, who is 6' 4", at MIA for a return trip to College Park, MD, for his sophomore year. I finally DID receive a call, from one of the U's lawyers, who I have affectionately nicknamed. He thanked me for springing his client, which was nice, and praised my ability. But I was still annoyed that he and his staff ignored me for 2 days, so I had to vent some venom. I asked about his legal education -- it was far more prestigious than mine, and he was law review at his prestigious school. I asked why I, Mr. Bottom Half of the Class at the U, was able to get this done, and all the U's horses (like the paralegal) and all the king's men, could not. He chuckled. The reason, of course, is that I've always practiced in the real world, where I don't get paid if I don't deliver. Corporate counsel, particularly those at politically correct-ruled places, get away with being totally worthless. To get fired, they have to call someone a name, or something, or maybe, as Louisiana Governer Edwards once said about what he'd need to do to lose an election, sleep with a live boy or a dead girl... I don't think even that applies anymore... Anyway, I shouldn't really complain. As I mentioned, the other sides' idiocy has been a boon to my firm's finances. And it's a great feeling to keep my brother out of jail.