Who Are We, Really, Online?

So I got a letter from a local private bank I'll ball Gibraltar, since that's its name. I've had a small account there for years, on account of the fact that my friend Carole is a banker there. Carole and I go way back -- she started her career in 1981 at Sun Bank, which became SunTrust, which I think it still is. Carole was the banker for the firm where I used to work, and handled my current firm's account for years. I really dig Carole -- she has one of those laughs that makes the whole room laugh, and we've shared great times together, at concerts, Heat games, and dinners. Wifey really digs her, too. Carole left Sun, and spent a year at Bank of Boston. I moved some accounts with her. Then Boston Bank pulled out of Miami, and Carole found a home with Gibraltar. They had a rocky course -- they were THE bank of convicted Ponzi lawyer Scott Rothstein, and got spanked by the Feds for their involvement. But I opened and kept a small account with Carole, for old times' sake -- a checking account which I used for some house costs. The account came with a credit card which I never used, or so I thought! A few months ago, Gibraltar wrote to say that their client info was breached, and info about we account holders might be compromised. I ignored it, since nothing seemed to be missing. They offered 2 years of free credit protection with one of those companies that advertise on Rush Limbaugh, since most of his listeners tend to be paranoid. Yesterday I figured what the heck -- might as well sign up -- especially after my California sister told me another relative supposedly found my name on some sort of list of accounts with a failed personal ad company. Plus, my friend Jeff wrote to tell me my AOL was hacked -- I sent him an ad for Cialis, misspelled. So I joined, and learned that I was a paid member of several online businesses, paid for with the Gibraltar card. These included StormFront.org, a neo Nazi group, a few gay dating sites, Seeking Arrangement.com, which pairs sugar daddies with sugar babies, and AshleyMadison, which finds you fellow old married people looking for affairs. Wow! My online persona was apparently far more varied and interesting than my real one: racist, gay, a swinger, and a would be mentor to impressionable young coeds with Daddy issues, or at least broke ass daddies... Robin Williams used to say that cocaine was God's way of telling you when you had too much money. Maybe a modern version is that not even realizing you had a credit card that was being used by others is God's way... All in all, it was a few hundred dollars, and Gibraltar immediately agreed to reimburse me, and more importantly close the damn account. It was humorous but could have been serious -- what if my Hurricanes Club account was compromised and I didn't get my season's tickets -- or my coveted tickets to Miami Notre Dame in late October? THAT would have been horrible. ID fraud is not new to our family. Three years ago D1 got a letter from the IRS saying not so fast about her requested tax refund -- for 2 times the amount of her gross salary! She had to jump through some hoops, and now files her documents with a super secret word, to prove she is the actual D1. She applied for a store card a few months back and was denied -- the store's account office tried to get her credit report and was denied -- no secret word. So at least the system works for her. I hope my politically incorrect FaceBook (tm) posts coupled with my now known paid membership in a Neo Nazi, racist organization doesn't get me a visit from the FBI. They've interviewed me three times in the past -- when my friend John joined the CIA and listed me as a reference, when my old friend Eric applied for top security at Northrup Corp and also used me as a reference, and most recently when our friend Diane, a Federal prosecutor was also re-secured -- the FBI talks to all surrounding neighbors. All of this safety, and still a loser rents a truck and kills over 80 in France...But that's another non humorous tale... So a very hot Saturday is upon us, and I plan to stay inside and watch old movies and read with Wifey. My online persona probably has a busier day planned -- pro Trump rally, some gay tea parties, and then a few swinging event. Next I'll learn I joined one of those sites where guys look only for enormously fat chicks -- with scary naked calendars and everything. As the witch said after Dorothy killed her with the water: oh, what a world, what a world... Carole is on vacation. When she returns, I plan to meet her -- probably at Christies over drinks, and tell her the tale of her bank. I can already hear her booming laughter in my mind...