Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother (And Mother in Law?)

One of the key values Wifey and I share is taking the Fifth Commandment very seriously. When my Dad died the summer I was a rising college senior, I switched from child to parent of my Mom -- what my father would have expected of me. Though I have 2 older sisters, for the years afterwards I was the main caretaker of Mom. As much as I loved the U, I was ready for a change in grad school, and wanted to go to Gainesville, where I was also accepted. And then Sunny called and said "David -- how often do I have to pay for car insurance?" and I knew I needed to stay close to Delray. Mom's gone over three years now, and I don't regret a moment. I have only warm memories of the woman she was, and of my life's duties, taking care of her is one I'm very proud of. Wifey's an only child, so it's ALL on her, but she shepherded her father through his final years -- and now is left with the burden of her mother. It's not a pleasant or easy burden. My mother in law is nearing 92, and is so healthy, her morbid obesity seems to have little negative effect on her. She still "vatches" her weight -- she even keeps a scale in her living room for frequent weighings. The Ds honor and love her -- since their grandma is deaf, they send her frequent letters about their lives, and always cheer lead for her. She appreciates this greatly. Ha! As if! Last week D2 visited her, and we all went to lunch. Again, the old woman is deaf. The next day, she called Wifey complaining that D2 "treated her like a stranger --after she writes dese letters of love. Vy dis is?" Luckily, D2 has enough of a sense of humor to realize these are just the whinings of a very old woman who has lived, really, too long. Her beloved husband is gone, and her relatives and friends have also gone to that great Schtetl in the sky. So she endures... Last night we took her to dinner -- at Captain's Tavern, our local go to seafood place. She announced "I don't eat fish! I vant HAM burger..." Nope -- no burgers there, so Wifey ordered her a ribeye steak, which she devoured about half of before loudly proclaiming "TOO HARD!" I was properly medicated on 2 Ketel martinis, so her obnoxiousness was just a source of humor, and luckily the restaurant was crowded and noisy enough that her loud talking wasn't noticed. And then...the check came, and she lunged for it. "I pay!" So I said fine, and then she saw the total with tip was $153. Not so fast -- she handed the check back to me. The old $%c%... Then, she looked for her purse, and forgot she had hung it on the adjoining chair. She began to panic and cry, loudly. Wifey bolted for the car -- thinking maybe she left it there. "OY --my money. My cards. Dis is TERRRRRIBLE!" I looked under the table, and there was the purse, hanging. I calmly handed it to her, and then bolted myself for the door. I passed Wifey, motioned the purse and her mother were at the table, and said "She's all yours." Poor Wifey. To release the stress and anger, I posted a "free to good home" ad about her on FaceBook. No takers. But there IS an upside to all this. As I was venting to Dr. Barry about how lucky he is to have ZERO in laws to deal with , he noted that my Yiddish accent, used to tell stories about the old woman, had become quite good. Yes, I can now give Jackie Mason a run for his money. Maybe he wants to take in my mother in law?