Car Talk

So after I unloaded the crappiest car I've had in years, the pretty but poorly made Genesis, I decided to come back to Lexus -- the maker of the best cars I've had. But since the money coming in is much less than in years past, and I HATE paying $70 bills at gas stations, I decided to get their small crossover -- a vehicle whose model I can never recall -- C200 --I think. Our friend Diane had one, and after a quick test drive to the Falls, I decided it was the car for me, so I leased it. The car was classic Lexus -- well made, quiet, great handling and technology --but was also rather, um, puny. I started calling it the little girlie Lexus. Dr. Barry got in it for a test spin at 94th Aero Squadron, one of my favorite Miami bars, since you can drink and watch the big jets take off and fantasize about being on them -- and his head hit the ceiling of the car. He asked, nicely, whether it wasn't too small for me. Later, Dr. Eric and I drove it to G Ville for a father/daughter weekend. We loved the gas cost -- nest to nothing, but Eric, at 6' an inch taller than I am, was visibly cramped, too. Still, I got a lease, and I figured I'd just drive the thing and use it as a constant reminder that I damn well better not gain any more weight. Meanwhile, Wifey was happy in her '05 Volvo SUV, which we bought in October of '04, and had 57k miles. She loved the comfortable Swedish seats -- great for her bad back -- but the vehicle, though sound mechanically, had the wear of a nearly 9 year old car -- black tape covering broken seat panels -- a glued back A pillar fabric piece, etc... Alas, Wifey's bad back has, apparently, crawled back into its hole, and Wifey offered to drive the little girlie Lexus. She's the right size for it, and told me, nicely, that I look like Shrek in it. "It always looks like you're driving someone else's car -- a big guy like you wouldn't voluntarily get such a tiny ride." But I LOVED the high mileage...and then, the great Shaq provided the answer. He has a commercial for the Buick Lacrosse -- a hybrid that's "not smaller than one of my shoes." I researched the vehicle -- it gets 36 mpg in the city -- and they were running a great 2 year lease deal. So yesterday I drove over to Williamson, a place I leased my last American cars -- a Caddy DTS when I was going through my Tony Soprano phase -- and an Escalade -- when I wanted Wifey to be Carmella... A nice young sales fellow drove me to a lot under the Snapper Creek Expressway, a stone's throw from the apartment complex on 72nd Avenue where Wifey and I met -- and I drove the Lacrosse. Ah -- what room! A true man sized car! And it has all kinds of cool tech stuff. I got a price from Rick -- a half Italian, half NY Rican sales manager who reminded me of my wheeler dealer cousin Barry -- and then I called another dealer, who gave me a price $30 per month cheaper. Rick met it, and I agreed to drive a Buick for the first time since my Ancient Mom gave me her '82 Century to drive after my beloved Firebird -- a sentimental favorite but also crappy car -- was totalled in a crash in '85. Wifey and I drove the Volvo to CarMax to sell it -- they offered $6K. Ah -- people who think cars are INVESTMENTS...I drove back to the Buick dealer, and Rick offered me the same $6K -- car would be wholesaled, he honestly said. So I signed over the title, and the faithful Volvo, which schlepped the D2 back and forth to UF -- and Wifey all over Miami Dade -- was driven away. I instantly loved the new Buick. It has an advanced Blue Tooth system. Rick programmed my phone -- which took 2 minutes, and on the way home I said "Call D1" and her voice came over the speakers. Then "Call D2," and I had a giggling UF junior on the line. Last night, D1 was hired to pick up a neighbor's girl, Rebecca, in the Grove. I volunteered to drive, and we noted the cool, blue, LED light rim on the dash. And as I drove down the curves of Old Cutler, the Buick and I bonded. We fetched Rebecca and her friend Nicole -- and I felt sentimental. I was picking up pre driving girls at a movie theatre -- something Wifey and I haven't done in more then half a decade -- since D2 started to drive. D1 chatted happily with the high school freshmen on the way home. Today, I have to tutor Wifey on the operation of the girlie Lexus. Last time she drove it, she parked at the house and left it running. It was on battery, and silent, so she figured it was turned off. Our visiting Brit friends and I realized the car was left on hours later -- as we drank on the front porch, and Dave noticed the illuminated head lamps. "Your buggy's running," he observed. So after her lesson, Wifey has her new ride -- she's the greenest in the family, and always wanted a Prius. The C2 whatever it is is essentially a luxury Prius... And I'm 51 and driving a BUICK! Oh, my image. Oh, the mileage...