The Final Greeting

 A few years after Wifey and I moved into our 'hood, the HOA President asked me to take over a position: Welcoming Chair. My duties would be to greet newly moved in neighbors, give them a welcome packet of helpful information, a gift, and tell them about the HOA.

Our HOA is a voluntary one. We have a Special Tax District, which collects a few K each year to pay for an off duty FHP trooper, even though crime is nearly non existent here (The STD was created in the 80s when crime was soaring, and the Metro Police were not too great in responding to far east Kendall, as it was then called).

I agreed, but told the previous Welcome Chair that I would not be giving an orchid as a gift. I explained there may well be straight men secure enough in their masculinity to give an orchid as a gift, but I was not one of them, and would instead give a bottle of wine. And so it went, and all was well for years, until...

I got a call from one of the HOA members -- there had been a complaint. Oh crap! Did I say something politically incorrect? Make an inappropriate joke? Leer creepily at a new young housewife? I didn't think I did. No -- the complaint was my gift -- maybe alcohol was not appropriate.

What if the new neighbor was in "Recovery," or had religious contraindications? It might offend...I answered that I was Jewish, thought not kosher, and if I WAS kosher and someone brought me a canned ham as a welcome gift, I would thank them, and then re-gift or toss out the non kosher offering.

Since I was doing the gig for free and even then was in the process of becoming crochety, I quit. A new neighbor Ann happily took over -- she was a realtor and saw the gig as a way to meet potential new clients. I think she reverted to giving orchids.

And then, before Covid, Ann and her man Mark moved -- for still one of the funniest reasons I ever heard: Miami had too many gorgeous women! Mark told me that after a breakfast in the Grove, where they were surrounded by scantily clad, smoke show women, Ann had it. She had apparently been an "It girl" back in the day, and no longer wanted to be surrounded by that. And so they decamped for Raleigh, and presumably more frumpy cohorts.

Anyway, I was asked to resume my old spot, and I did. And sure enough, stuff got busy. I think in the first Pandemic years, of 81 houses, 20 new folks moved in. Many long time residents took advantage of the absurd price increases and bolted for cheaper places. A house that was worth $750K in 2018 sold for just under $2M. You can buy a lot of house for $2M in North Florida, or most of Georgia.

So I kept busy, and greeted away. Interestingly, the demographics changed -- we got mostly an influx from the US instead of the typical newcomers from South America. Several moved from California, or D.C., or NY -- fleeing taxes, and no longer tied to offices in those places.

Well, all was ok, until the latest kerfuffle. Even though I'm just the Welcome Chair, I'm still on the HOA Exec Committee, and, like many rich 'hoods with plenty of free time among the residents, there needs to be an issue. Ours is the aforementioned Special Tax District.

Turns out, if we want to keep FHP, the $2K per year is going up -- a lot -- probably to $6K within 4 or 5 years. We had a vote, and Zoom meetings, and a special committee formed, and I foresee great tensosity coming in the months ahead.

I told Wifey I want ZERO part of that. Plus, I'm livid that our next US President race will be between 2 men FAR too old for the job -- and so on principle, I think even silly little positions like mine ought to be taken by new blood. And so I wrote the HOA today, so explaining.

But, I remain OCD, and there were 2 houses I hadn't visited, so today I stopped at Total Wine, bought 2 bottles of cheap Malbec, and walked the route.

The first house is an old job owned for decades by a Japanese woman who was a top bonsai maven. She lived there for decades with her son, the product of an American husband -- nice guy , about my age -- always seemed on his way to go fishing with a trailered boat.

The Mom drove until she backed her Toyota (really) into the across the street neighbor's house. No one was hurt, and it was therefore comical. My neighbor Bob had a sense of humor about it, luckily.

Anyway, some folks bought 2 years ago with plans for a MAJOR renovation, and instead kept the changes modest. I was told they moved in a few months ago. I went over, no one was home, and so left the packet and wine. I long ago learned that my "clients" get one attempt at a personal visit -- otherwise I keep going in vain, and the packet and bottle sit out for weeks.

I then walked to the newest YUUUUUGE house -- a high end contractor built something that he could probably sell for north of $8M in this market. The wife was outside as I arrived, having just opened the gate for an InstaCart delivery. I had met her before, during the 2.5 years of construction, and handed her the packet, and wine, and was off. My job was done.

The annual meeting is in a few weeks, and assuming we return safely from our cruise, will drop off the box of welcome packages, and wish the Exec Committee the best. Hopefully the coming tensosity about those appalled at paying a few extra K from their multi million dollar houses won't get too ugly.

And if it does, it'll get ugly without me!