Life Partners

 I go on about this like a broken record, or maybe scratched CD. Wait -- I guess both references are irrelevant today -- what is the correct one -- a virus infected program that just keeps repeating? Whatever. I constantly talk about the crucial life choice one makes -- who will be her or his life partner.

I speak from empirical experience. My California sister unfortunately chose about the worst possible life partner anyone in our family ever imagined. When they were first together, she had a health crisis, and my Mom flew out to SF to be with her in the hospital. Mom asked where the boyfriend was, as he had lots to do with the health crisis. My sister said that he "freaked out about stuff like this," and was nowhere to be found.

My Mom thought it would be clear to her daughter -- this was a man to avoid like the proverbial plague. But my sister instead married him, and the decades since have held the awful sequellae of that. My sister is bright and talented and fun and quirky, and I often lament how much easier her life would have been had she booted the awful choice back in 1981 or so, instead of choosing him to make a life with.

Wifey's closer than a sister, a nice Jewish girl from Brooklyn, met very young her first husband -- a nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn. They married and had two girls and moved to Georgia. After a divorce, the nice Jewish boy showed he was not so nice -- especially when it came to his kids. In many ways, his kids became ex kids, like his ex wife, and he provides an example of how NOT to be a father to grown daughters -- to my view, at least.

I'd like to think that both of these examples were patently observable to the Ds, and helped them when they chose life partners. There's no guarantee about the future, of course, but D1's man Joey LIVES for their two sons -- sometimes to an extent that makes me, an absurdly devoted Dad, seem like an absentee one. Just this am, D1 sent a photo of the now nearly 5 week old sleeping on his beloved Dad's chest -- as Dad grabbed some zzzs, too -- probably totally tired out from comforting the little man.

As for the adorable toddler, well, being with him when his Dad walks into the room is like what I imagine it would be like seeing an evangelical getting to meet Jesus in person. Total joy -- eyes lighting up -- giggling laughter -- complete happiness. And Joey feels the same way about his very talkative son -- even though Joey is far more taciturn.

Have these two had rough patches in their marriage? Certainly -- especially during the early days of the Plague, when they had a fragile baby, and different ideas about coping with everything, especially their well meaning but intrusive extended families, Wifey and me included.

But as I always tell D1 -- her man is a winner -- by my highest standard -- the one best described by Sidney Poitier in his "The Measure of a Man." The measure of a man is how he takes care of his family -- and D1 has a Nobel Prize winner.

I have a sense that D2's man Jonathan is cut from the same cloth. He certainly is that way with his canine child, and I have hopes that these two will be blessed with actual human kids, too. Jonathan will be more chill than Joey, I suspect, but will love his kid or kids fiercely as well. I look forward to seeing this in person.

It's funny -- we still have folks in our orbit who are at the stage where their kids are picking colleges. One of my friends is actually a year older than I, but didn't get married until much later, and is off as I write looking at schools in New England.

This decision weighs heavily on the future undergraduates and their parents. I always say the same thing, which is advice I got from my wise friend Steve, a lifelong academic, when the Ds were choosing schools: just figure out where you want to live for 4 years, among the choices that are reasonable for your family. That's it -- forget about who has the best program, teachers, etc... as these change rapidly. Just imagine yourself in a Southern college town, or big Northern city -- and make the call.

The corrollary to this, as far as my life advice goes, is spend 10 times the effort talking to your near adult about life partners. What's important? What are your values? Who can you see going through this long journey with?

The Harvard grad with the wrong wife is a miserable man. The Miami Dade College grad with the great husband is a very happy woman, indeed -- just ask Wifey. Ha. Maybe don't...

But if your kids choose life partners who treat them and their kids like royalty, well --- I don't know what's better than that.