Got Through Another One

So yesterday was the 38th anniversary of the worst day of my life: the day my beloved Dad died in my arms. It's also a birthday of my friend Mike, and Deb, and Wifey's BFF's daughter Lauren. But each time the middle of July comes around, it brings me down.

In college, as I approached the one year anniversary of Dad's passing, I developed chest pains. I was 21. I didn't have a regular doctor, but Dr. Bob, a neurologist who had become a mentor and friend, referred me to an internist, who did an EKG. Sure enough -- it was normal -- and the diagnosis was sympathy pains because of my Dad's manner of death.  Over the years they continue -- three years ago, I felt chest pressure, and Dr. Eric made me immediately see a cardiologist. The day before my 56th birthday, after a thallium stress test, Dr. Samole called to say my vessels were completely clear. I met D1 and Joey for a celebratory dinner at Capital Grille.

Anyway -- I tried to minimize the sad effects, while still remembering the day. I took Wifey through the events of that day, and how Eric and Barry met me at Barry's parents house, and took me to a local pub for some beers. They stayed with me until my sister and brother in law's flight arrived at FLL. I drove them home probably a bit more alcohol filled than I should have.

Loni had a "surprise" drive by birthday get together for Mike. We laugh -- every year it's a "surprise," so of course it's no surprise at all. Wifey and I drove over, and sat 20 feet from the other assembled guests, but after 20 minutes I felt the need to leave. I guess the Yahrzeit blues still had me.

And then Wifey did a beautiful thing. She texted the Ds, and had them FaceTime me. Our grandson was asleep. The grand dog was not. The Ds, despite their own anxieties related to the pandemic, were in great spirits. They poked loving, good natured fun at Wifey. They excitedly planned our get together this Saturday -- for my birthday -- Morton's steaks, delivered, for a late lunch, and pool time with our precious baby boy. They made me smile. They made me laugh.

I am their protector. When something is wrong with my baby, as the soul song goes, something is wrong with me. But last night they supported me. They lifted my sad spirits. I fell asleep literally smiling. And thinking happy memories of my father.

Back to Eric and Barry. I hurt for them now, so much. They're both senior administrators at their hospitals, and dealing with, as they call it in the medical lingo, total shit shows. Cases are soaring. They're balancing staff, and watching suffering like they've never seen. And then they come home and take on their big daddy roles, too -- and both are dealing with parental health issues -- Barry's mother, and Eric's suegra.

Really all I can do is offer some Zoom respite. I try to plan happy hours where we can laugh a bit, and share some adult beverages. The next one is Friday evening -- I hope they can attend.

I know they keep positive perspectives like I do -- thankful for the health of their families and friends - but if the general tensosity of the plague weighs on me -- I KNOW how it must weigh on my front line brothers.  I pray to the Big Man often that this passes.

As for me, today dawned brightly. Somehow I slept an uninterrupted 7.5 hours -- a rarity for me since March. I walked, and walked, and walked -- got in a full 6 miles. I came home, stripped off the sweat soaked clothes, and hit the cool pool water -- letting the chlorinated water wash me.  I floated around, watched by the special needs Spaniel. I gave thanks for another day. I asked for peace and good health for those dear to me.

Dad never believed in any sort of afterlife. He believed you live, and then die. He was raised an Orthodox Jew, but rejected the teachings.

I like to hope that as smart as he was, and wise, maybe he was wrong -- there IS a soul, and his is at rest, along with the soul of my Mom, the true love of his life.

I just know that nearly 4 decades have passed, and I haven't gotten over his death. I miss him, and love him.  And I'm happy the Yahrzeit has passed again...