The "Friend" Request

40 years ago I learned a very personal lesson about anti-semitism, and was reminded about it via a new friend request on FaceBook (tm). I'm still ruminating about how I will react.

I became good friends freshman year with an unusual fellow. He was of Chinese background, born and raised in Trinidad, and educated, pre-college, in England. I'll call him Fred, since that's his name, and we met as fellow pre-meds. I had never met anyone like him.

His family was FAR richer than mine -- Dad owned a business in the West Indies, and when we went to Dadeland Mall, I might buy a shirt on sale, and Fred spent freely. His family had me over to their Miami vacation house, and I learned a LOT about Trinidadian culture -- I really liked the spinach stew called calleloo. 

I'd take Fred up to see my parents in Delray. My Dad, like me, was fascinated by him -- having never met a cat like him, either. Fred loved my Mom's corned beef, and being around the old retired Jews of Kings Point. Or so I thought...

We took freshman Bio together, and got Bs on the final, missing an A by one question. But we realized that one question had TWO correct answers -- and decided to go meet the professor, who I still remember (James Clegg) about changing our grades. As pre meds were fiercely competitive about grades, getting an A instead of B in freshman Bio was a big deal. We agreed to meet at Professor Clegg's office at 2 pm. As usual, I was on time. Fred was late.

Clegg, very handsome and rumored to be sampling several of the pretty co eds at the time, opened his door. I told him I was waiting for my friend Fred -- we both wished a review of the final. He said "Well -- I'm out of here in 10 minutes -- come in now or forever hold your peace." So I did, and in fact Clegg agreed and changed the grade. I got an A! At 2:15, he led me outside and locked his door. Fred came up -- saying there had been an accident on Miller Drive, so he was late. Clegg said "Sorry young man -- semester is now closed -- next time be on time," and flounced away.

Fred was livid -- especially when I told him I had gone in without waiting for him. I tried to explain there was no reason for both of us to miss out because he was late -- but he wouldn't listen. His demeanor towards me changed right there. I still recall it -- 4 decades later.

Well -- life went on, and next semester we were sophomore pre meds -- in Professor Schultz's Organic Chemistry. Fred kept his distance from me, which was fine -- I had plenty of other friends, including the budding one with a tall, precocious guy named Barry. He, Eric, and I quickly became the three musketeers, or stooges...

One day, I took my strange roommate Rudy's Organic text by mistake. I saw there were letters in Fred's formal handwriting -- I figured they were notes of a class I had missed. I read them.

They were the most vicious, hateful, anti semtitic writings I had ever seen by someone I knew. And they were all about ME. I recall a few lines, like "Hitler was right. Jews are not to be trusted. Dave was like a brother, and he betrayed me like ALL his people betray decent Christians every day." He called me "Judas Dave," which I kind of liked -- had I started a punk band, that would SO have been my stage name.  There were more lines about the sweet smell of smoke from Auschwitz ovens --too bad my family wasn't in one of them.

I confronted Fred, after class. He was even more livid at me for "stealing confidential information" he had shared with Rudy. The great irony is that as a Chinese, and Rudy as a Filipino -- neither of these guys were exactly an Aryan wet dream. I said to Fred, "Well, as you say, you can never really trust we Jews," and those were our final words.

Of course, I dropped out of pre med, and Fred stayed on -- going to med school, and getting a job with student health services. About a decade ago, he left to be student health director at a large SEC university. We have mutual FB friends -- and I can tell from his posts he married a frumpy Asian woman and they have grown kids. He wears bow ties -- sort of like Malcolm X.

And he was just an anti semitic curiosity, until this week. He sent me a friend request!  Either he forgot about the missives from 1980, or figures I did. So far, I've let his request linger.

I'll do one of two things. Either hit the delete button, or in fact reconnect with him -- and probe whether his head and heart have changed. Even in rural Alabama, I have to think, as an academic doc, he deals with Jews all the time. Does he hold his nose? Just never trust them?

I am ALWAYS politically incorrect, but never hateful. I couldn't imagine ever writing a letter saying "The confederacy was right. We should have kept blacks as slaves!"  Or certainly accepted genocide of any people.  Fred did, at age 20, despite his wealth and exposure to schooling in England.

It's one of those issues guys like me with free time are privileged to ponder. The letters and the damage done, I called the affair 40 years ago, when I wrote about it in my youthful journal, stealing from Neil Young. I guess I'll see...