Atonement

So I'm home today, instead of in shul, where my religion says I should be.  I went for many years, but stopped about 4 years ago -- my heart wasn't in it.

I was raised culturally, but not religiously, Jewish. When I came to college and met Eric, and later Barry, I honored the religion a bit more. Eric's family took me to services at Temple Beth Am, the very rich Reform place. I had never been to High Holy Day services before, and I was taken aback by Beth Am. I had never been around so many rich folks before -- the women were dressed like they were going to a Broadway premiere, and the cars in the parking lot were very upscale. Eric's family were probably the poorest members of the congregation -- they lived "west of the highway," which I soon learned meant middle class, and not upper class like "east of the highway."  I appreciated their taking me, but it never resonated -- I spent the time listening to the rabbi with my mind wandering...

I did fast, though. It became a simple self test -- could I, who so loved to eat, go without for 24 hours?

Later in college, I became friendly with the Hillel Rabbi, Mark. We taught a class together to incoming freshman. Years later, when Wifey and I were to be married, I went to Mark and asked him to perform the service. He agreed, but said that the Reform folks had followed the Catholics -- they required "religious pre marital counseling," in an effort to keep young Jewish couples together.

Wifey and I were game -- we actually enjoyed the classes, where his comically named wife Mindy participated. Her name was comical given the success of the show "Mork and Mindy." They were Mark and Mindy. We actually became friendly, and Wifey and I decided there WOULD be religion in our home -- sort of the fun, Reform kind of stuff -- nothing kosher, but lighting candles and singing.

And then -- Mark called me a week before the wedding to say he had bad news -- he was offered a free trip to Israel, and didn't want to miss out -- he was begging off our wedding. I peppered him with questions -- had he never been to Israel? He had -- many times, but really liked it, and the trip was worth thousands, and he was going for free. Did he have a replacement for us? He did that.

I remember thinking, "But I thought we was partners!"  We were not. Eric's Mom Norma knew a young Rabbi, Lipson, who was available on short notice, and he did a serviceable job. But Wifey and were fully turned off by this bullshitting, fake rabbi. 

So I ignored the High Holidays, and even worked. And then one night we went out with Wifey's work friend Kathy, and her husband Ronnie, an Ecuadorean Jew. He asked where I attended services. I told him I wasn't at all religious, and even worked on Yom Kippur. Ronnie said "You know, you shouldn't. If you don't want to go to shul, that's fine, but don't disrespect the essence of your people by treating it as any other day."

His words resonated, and I haven't worked on the Holidays for the past 30 years.

When I met my friend Rabbi Yossi, he guilted me into attending shul. I went -- for many years. A few times I enjoyed Kol Nidre, the service before Yom Kippur, since it has awesome, creepy music.

But I stopped going.

Several years ago, Norman invited me to his shul, and I went to services. His place, Beth David, is historic -- his father Max helped found the place, and it sits in a gorgeous building on Coral Way.

I enjoyed being with Norman and his family, but same thing -- no real connection for me. That was the last time I attended services.

So today, as it has been for the last years, I honor the Holiday at home. I fast. It's only 10 am and I'm already hungry.

I think Wifey and I may go visit her mother. I'm not sure she has any idea it's Yom Kippur, and she'll probably insist we have lunch with her. I'll type out "But it's Yom Kippur!" on my phone -- show it to her, and she'll leave us alone for a few minutes.

Tonight, we're invited to a break the fast at Grove Isle -- D1's sister and brother in law's mother Susie is hosting, along with her husband Rick. Rick and I are the two gringos in the group -- he's a tax lawyer from Richmond, Va, and super nice fellow.

Susie is a skilled baker, so the break fast will be sumptuous -- I know.  And we'll be with D1 and Joey.

In Greenwich Village, D2 is following her Dad's path. She is home from work, but not attending services. I think her man Jonathan is -- and they have a big break fast planned with D2's deal friend Ali and her fiance Blake.

It warms me to think of her with her dear friends, while we're here with loved ones, too.

So I have apologized to the Big Man repeatedly today -- for the sins I have committed, and will commit.

I told Him I hope to be a better person -- and hope He has sealed my family and me in the Book of Life for another good year.

We need to take stock of our lives, and Yom Kippur is the perfect holiday for that. And maybe someday I'll find my way back to shul...