Fat Goeth Before the Fall

My mother in law is an anatomical wonder. She's nearly 92, and morbidly obese.  I'm talking sheets of blubber hanging everywhere fat. Corpulent beyond anyone I've ever seen her age. When and if she finally dies, her heart ought to be studied, for clues on how a muscle pump can keep working for clearly a century with that kind of stress...

She's now developed a habit which makes life for Wifey and me just lovely.  She gets out of bed in the wee small hours, and doesn't fall. Or, if she does, the enormous sheets of blubber cushion her contact with the floor, so she doesn't get hurt. She just flops around like a beached whale, until she steamrollers herself to the phone to call Wifey.

This happened this am, around 1. Wifey slept through the call, and after I answered and learned what happened, I hung up and went back to bed. I'm a heartless guy when it comes to her, but I knew her aide would be along in a few hours anyway...

Wifey got up, and asked who called. I told her. "Where you going to let me know???" Eventually, I answered...

So as we dressed, the old hippo called Wifey's cell. I answered and responded as Wifey, as we got into the car. I reminded the horrible orca that we had a problem: I (Wifey) wasn't strong enough to lift her, and needed her husband (me) to do it. Problem was, the old cow was angry at me for demanding she no longer talk to me like a servant, and since the mother in law was so proud, probably she didn't want my help.

"No, No! I forgive him! I forgive him!"  I sort of figured.

So we went in, I got my hands under the fat dripping arm pits, and lifted her up, as she "OYed" comically. I then left to check the mail, and encountered a nice young fellow outside walking a very cute spotted terrier puppy. We chatted about the dog. He asked if I was "Kaley's dealer." No, I responded, just an annoyed, put upon son in law...

I returned to the condo, and Wifey was telling her mother that she owed ME a huge apology, for the way she had acted last week. Predictably, she refused, still saying I owed one to HER. Wifey said if she didn't apologize to her husband, she would not visit Sunday. "So don't come!" she said dismissively.  Unless, of course, the old cetacean needs another lift.