Metro Man

Wifey and the Ds (well, D1 at least) decry the fact that, when it comes to fashion, I am a world class schlump. There were a few periods in my life when I shopped for decent clothes, and actually looked presentable (I recently saw some photos of a holiday party circa 1997 where I wore a smashing gray sweater with a finely tailored blue blazer and khakis), but those periods are past.

These days, I wear a pair of black jeans when we go out for dinner, or a pair of blue jeans when we don't, and several pairs of shorts with varying degrees of bleach stains on them...

On occasion, I still wear a suit, but I consider those days a sartorial failure (either a client meeting or a funeral or bar mitzvah).

Although I am one of the least homophobic guys I know (I DIG fags, really) I dress the least like the stereotype of the gay man. Proudly.

Well, Wifey had finally had it with a pair of topsiders I favor for daily use when I wear shorts. They were worn visibly. So, after dinner at Tony Roma's last night (we pondered why Outback in our 'hood is always packed, while Tony Roma's, with similar food quality, isn't), Wifey demanded I head to Dadeland for some new shoes.

She had several unused Nordstrom gift cards, and I dutifully complied. I actually like that store. The service is terrific, and there are plenty of plush chairs for husbands to sit on while wives and daughters shop. Of course, they USED to have a pianist, too, but those were removed last year, apparently at the demand of some young snot nosed marketer who figured out that the post menopausal target customers wanted "hip" music piped in, instead of the Sinatra standards...

In any event, I quickly found a pair of Sperry Topsiders, on sale for $109, down from $159, and took them. The zaftig young Cubana salesgirl then showed me a pair of Cole Haans (my other favorite shoe) also on sale, and I went crazy and all metro and effiminate, and bought them, too, even though my existing Cole Haans have another solid 6 months before they wear out.

We were done. No, not so fast. Wifey wanted to see what was on sale upstairs as well, for her. I found a great seat near the escalators, and watched the ladies shop, while Wifey found some things she liked. She then fetched me, along with an old acquaintance who now works at Nordstorms. I'll call her Flippy, since that's her nickname -- her girls grew up with the Ds -- and one is now in law school in D.C. while the other is at art college in Boston.

Flippy popped me into a chair in the dressing room, and I watched Wifey emerge with some sweaters and a nice red dress. I felt like Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman," although we were in Kendall instead of Beverly Hillls, and Wifey is not a whore...

Flippy and I chatted about our daughters, and Wifey found some things she liked. We then retreated outside, where Flippy told Wifey to open a Nordstom account, so that my already discounted shoes could be discounted another $20...

We stood at the counter, and it turned into a retail happy hour. First, Flippy's husband came by and said hello (an empty nester like me, he was killing some time walking the mall), and then 2 of Flippy's friends, Elise (whose kids grew up with the Ds, too), and a cardiologist's wife came by, too. The cardiologist's wife, who I'll call Amy, since that's her name, is a long time UNfavorite of Wifey's and mine.

Our kids always crossed paths growing up, and the woman was, almost to a level of caricature, a bitch! Somehow she remained friends with the ladies.

She had been shopping, and was ready to leave. She handed her bag to Flippy, and said "Can you take this home for me and I'll pick it up at your house?" One would have thought she was kidding; one would have been wrong.

Wifey, off in her own world while waiting for the Nordstrom approval of her new credit card, missed this whole exchange. Flippy told her that it was a hassle for employees to bring home packages for customers, even friends, because of store security.

Amy was relentless. Finally, her friend Elise offered to carry the package (we're talking one bag here --probably about 4 pounds worth of shoes and clothes), and the ladies left.

I often say it: I find it funny when people act in ways different from their natures, and also when they act in accordance with them. Amy and her haughtiness and bitchiness made my evening.

So I did my shoe shopping that will last at least until D2 graduates college (2014). My shorts are another issue --I begged off further retail searching. Wifey will now bring a few pairs home, probably from Marshall's, and I'll wear them.

A clothes horse I'm not, to use the great, Yiddishized grammar of my ancestors. Not even a clothes mouse.

Still, as always, trips out of the house lead to human nature lessons. Thanks, Amy.