Family Tale

I don't keep in touch with my cousins much, and it's too bad. Most of us (at least on my mother's side) live in Florida now, but somehow we find ourselves too busy with our own families and friends to socialize.

My cousin Barry calls me every 2 months ago, but that's just for free legal advice...he always starts the call asking after my wife and kids, but that's not his purpose...it's ok --I always enjoy hearing about his exploits.

My cousin Janet called last week to invite us to her daughters' Bat Mitzvot...My sister also got an invite, and the party is less than 2 weeks away, so we figured the first round of invitees had largely declined, there was a minimum at the catering hall, and so we were second or third tier...that's ok, I try not to stand on ceremony, but I'll be away the date of the party nonetheless, and can't make it.

But Janet told me a great tale, about her father's funeral last year. My brother in law Dennis and I attended the service at the chapel, but then decamped to a local Houston's to toast departed Abe, and blew off the burial. We missed a classic...

Janet told me that her Dad's new wife, who most of the family can't stand, was in the limo in the front with her 2 adult daughters. The caravan of probably 20 cars was ready to go to the cemetary, when one of the ladies heard nature's call...

She ran into the chapel, and took a long, long time, apparently oblivious to the fact that she was holding up the whole show. Finally, she emerged, and realized, red faced, that all eyes were on her, and what her tarrying had done. The caravan left for the cemetery out on US 441...

When they arrived, the gates were closed. Apparently the agreement was to hold the burial before 5, and the bathroom delay caused the party's arrival at 515... The black guy at the gate said they could come in, but they had to pay $300 CASH to pay for the overtime drop into the hole...

My uncle's wife feigned, apparently, grief, and said she "couldn't deal..." My cousin Michael, now a modern orthodox Jew and taking this most seriously, poked his head into the limo and uttered one of the unlikliest phrases heard at a funeral, directed at his "step mother:" "Hey --your daughter chose to take an epic dump --YOU GOTTA PAY!"

According to Janet, no cash was forthcoming. My family isn't exactly from the Rothschilds, so to speak, but eventually Michael and his brother Jeff coughed up the $300, and the casket was approptiately lowered.

Dennis and I were in Boca by this time, with my partner Paul, oblivious to this exquisite event...

Abe had a classic NY businessman's ironic sense of humor. He would have loved to witness this --hondeling and arguing over money before he could be laid to rest...

Out of 5 siblings and their spouses, only my mother and her sister Florence and husband Bernie remain...

Abe's unveiling was a few weeks ago. My cousin Michael called to invite us, but we couldn't make it.

It's probably just as well, The cemetary might have hit us up for a few shekels...