Confederacy of the Ancients

So my ancient mother's caregiver is on vacation, and I had to double up my visit. I saw her last Friday on my way to UF with D2, and then saw her again last Thursday.

Wifey was due a visit to HER mother and father, and stumbled upon the idea of a field trip, where we would take my mother in law Rachel to Delray to visit my mother. Wifey's father doesn't leave the condo much these days, and he chose to stay home.

We picked up my mother in law, and Wifey started to direct her to sit next to me, in front. This is because my mother in law talks incessantly, and Wifey didn't want to endure that for the 45 minute car ride. Just hold on there, slim! WTF! No --that dog wasn't going to hunt on MY watch!

I put my mother in the law in the back with Wifey... And, true to form, she talked and talked and talked and talked. After that, she talked some more. Poor Wifey. When I glanced in the rear view mirror, she had the look on her face of someone being talked at and talked at and talked at.

It could have been worse. It could have been me in the back seat...

We arrived at my mother's condo, and let the 2 ladies catch up. They began a series of comical non sequiter conversations. Neither can hear well, and so they each made believe they were hearing the other. An example: My mother: "Rachel, I thank you so much for the fish you sent me. It was delicious." Rachel: "Yes, Sunny, I still play cards two nights per week."

Wifey and I enjoyed this comic relief from an otherwise wildly annoying day. It's true --spending time with the REALLY old (my mother is 91, my mother in law is 86) is like having toddlers. You need to keep them on task, and be aware of potty accidents. You plan your trips to keep them fed and not too tired...

Of course, toddlers are going to grow up (in most cases) and become independent. The future for the very old is, of course, going from bad to worse.

We went to the local deli, and were mercifully seated right away. My mother in law got her hot tea right away, so her life was saved. If she goes to a restaurant and is not IMMEDIATELY brought hot tea, apparently the result is fatal. At least that's how she acts if the tea doesn't come.

My mother in law is also the world's oldest eating disorder patient. She's 86, and plump, and forever on some diet or another. So, here we were in this great deli, where the Jewish soul foods of her shtetl upbringing were literally hanging from above in front of her, and she ordered, unhappily, egg beaters!!!!

I guess that goal of being ready for next swimsuit season remains in reach for her.

My mother ordered stuffed cabbage, and Wifey got a Nova platter. Me? I have decided more strongly than ever that I do NOT wish to live too long, and become to my Ds the burden my mother and mother in law have become on us. I had the New Yorker: corned beef, pastrami, swiss cheese, Russian dressing, and cole slaw. It was delicious.

My mother in law saw the matzo ball soup I also had, and mentioned that my father in law would like it. So I went to the deli counter and bought 2 quarts. I showed her.

She smirked and admonished me that my father in law would never eat so much. It's hard to mimic my mother in law's smirk and admonition. Woody Allen's caricatures of Jewish mothers fall short.

Wifey saw this, and I mumbled under my breath, knowing my mother in law wouldn't hear "Toss off, you old female dog." Wifey understood and laughed.

We went back to the condo, and witnessed some more comical non conversations. My mother would seem lonely. She isn't. After about 45 minutes, she went into her classic passive'agressive mode: "Doesn't the traffic get bad soon?"

We took the hint and left. This time I gently and lovingly helped my mother in law into the back seat --to remove any chance of a repeat attempt at seating her next to me.

We hit the Turnpike, and Wifey fell asleep on her mother's lap. Still, the talking came and came and came. I tried to nod or shake my head to the barrage of questions that came from behind me. After about 45 minutes I was tempted to turn around and give her the answers she so hungered for, not caring that the SUV would slam into the median and kill us all.

We arrived at my in laws', and Wifey announced that we needed to visit with my father in law. He was in bed, and immediately barked at Wifey that the cable company had turned off the Military Channel, and he "couldn't live without it."

Wifey, ever the dutiful daughter, set about navigating the awful Comcast customer care call center.

I fell asleep on my in laws' couch, which is the world's most comfortable. After a blissful 10 minute nap, my mother in law threw on the light, and barked at me "Oy David --you are sleeping!!!!" Not any more...

Wifey, after a solid half hour, seemed to get the channel re ordered. I came into the bedroom, and my father in law started talking at me as well. I simply, truly, couldn't take another moment.

I told him I had to leave lest I fall asleep at the wheel, and he asked why I couldn't stay longer, to be talked at for another hour or so. I told him I wished he had chosen to spend the day with us, I understood he was too tired, but now he needed to understand that I, although not yet 50, was also too tired.

Wifey and I drove home through a torrential rain. We plopped onto our couch, put on U Verse, and, sure enough, saw a call coming in from my in laws.

Tragedy! The Military Channel had gone off! Wifey looked at me, with a combination of fear and resignation. She simply couldn't deal any more. I understood.

My mother in law left a message. Ten minutes later, in came another call. This message was one of hope and joy. The Military Channel had returned!

Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" seemed to play over the answering machine! Catastrophe solved!

Oh, Pete Townshend. Even though you didn't follow your own advice in "My Generation," I see the wisdom in it.