Losing My Religion

I was raised, essentially, as a "Bagel Jew," as my California sister calls it. We were taught to be proud of our history and culture (bagels!) and to be staunch Zionists, but to be wary, no, beyond wary --to give zero trust to synagogues and rabbis...

In college, my refutation of the Temple was tested, by my best friends Eric and Barry, both of whom were synagogue going, more observant Jews than I . I actually became close to a Hillel Rabbi, and asked him to marry Wifey and me, and he invited us into his house as friends.

The Rabbi, who I'll call Mark Kram, since that's his name, told us he wanted to be our "3rd spouse," a part of our budding Jewish family. As creepy as that sounds, at the time Wifey and I bought into it, thinking --what the hell -- we can light shabbos candles and go to services...

Then, a week before our wedding, Rabbi Kram called to tell us that there was a cancellation on a trip to Israel, fully paid, and we were on our own for the wedding. "But I thought we was partners!" I protested. Sorry, he said, though he'd been to Israel many times, a free trip was just too good to pass up. Happy wedding.

Wifey and I , through Eric's Mom Norma, found a relief rabbi, and we were married under the chuppah. But we both had a "We knew it!" moment. We were done with the temple folks...

And then, as Fate (or Hashem) would have it, Rabbi Yossi came into our lives, as a young tenant in a rental property, with his beautiful, charming young wife, and baby boy. We grew to be close friends, and the charisma of Chabad drew us in, and then drew my partner Paul in even closer.

Paul, bless him, figures he needs a Stairway to Heaven, as Hashem's prophet Robert Plant sings, and Chabad is famous for being a refuge like that. Casino owners, white collar criminals, and the like, give huge sums to Chabad, drink some L'Chaim shots, cry while holding the Torah, and then, Viola! --their Jewish souls are saved.

Next thing I knew, we became major financial supporters of our local Chabad --even giving them an interest free mortgage to buy the house where the Center was to be built. And, truth be told, Rabbi Yossi did a lot of good --starting community programs, schools, and a terrific Special Needs group which pairs kids with teens, and brings them forth.

Well, alas, along the way, the Rabbi and his wife, like all Chasids, take literally the Big Man's commandment to be fruitful and multiply. At the time of this writing --they have been blessed with 8 (8!!!!) children, all of whom are in private schools, attend camps, etc...

As the Rabbi's income comes all from donations, we, of course, pay for this.

Well, last year I told the Rabbi that my Firm was winding down, and that, instead of giving money (which had been diminishing over the years, in any case) I would donate my time. And, in fact, I've written some articles for Chabad, in hopes of helping their fine PR Department...

Well, yesterday, Paul and I lunched with our old friend the Rabbi, and I mentioned to him that past fees had generated a rather repulsive IRS bill for me, and it was coming at a time when no more cash was coming in. In other words, Diamond Dave was feeling a bit less than his normal flush self...

He responded, with seriousness (after telling about several family trips to go to weddings and visit kids at out of state schools) that Paul and I had always been "partners with Hashem (via Chabad)" and this needed to continue, etc, etc, etc,,,

I like my friend too much to laugh in his face, but on a campus walk afterwards, Paul and I commented, essentially, "Da noive of this guy!"

So, for me, at least, the Recession, which has affected real estate the most, is going to take a serious toll on my Stairway to Heaven...

As George Carlin noted, God has everything, and is all powerful, but he seems to lack money.

I felt, yesterday, the way I did when I toured the Vatican Museum. The Faithful Pilgrims were falling to their knees in the Sistine Chapel, praising the Big Man and Son. Wifey and I were thinking "Man --sell some of this crap and feed the poor!"

I am SO my father's son. It just so happens my father had little use for the Father...

Amen.