Got A Call from an Old Friend We Used to Be Real Close...

Through the wonder of FaceBook (tm) I made a connection recently: an old friend from Long Island. I hadn't spoken to this fellow in quite a long time, and, he had lost touch with the mutual friends whom I do speak to .

The reunion wasn't a happy one. He asked how I was, and I happily told him all about my wonderful girls, and about Wifey, and how I was at a crossroads in my life, professionally, but that I welcomed the new challenges and changes.

I tend to downplay my own accomplishments, except in a forum like this, where I crow away... When I was 8, I was the first kid on my block to take an airplane trip, and I returned and gushed to everyone all about it. The neighborhood kids, each and every one, started to shun me. (The term "hater" hadn't yet eveolved to its current meaning).

My mother, in one of the few bits of life wisdom she gave me that I remember, said "David --never boast. People can't stand when you do that."

I heeded her advice, won the friends back, and never spoke of the vacation again. As I spoke to my old friend, I was careful to observe that axiom.

The news from the other side was all bad. He claimed to be one of the most miserable beings on the East Coast. He had lost his family, due mostly to his drinking, and hadn't seen them in awhile. He was barely making ends meet due to a union job his father installed him in years before.

He lived in an efficiency, he said, and surfed the internet or went to bars and drank. His love life, he said, consisted of a series of casual encounters with bar flies.

I was so sorry to hear, of course. This was a guy who had tremendous potential. He wasn't a great student, but was smart, and witty, and talented. He was both athletic and musical. He was charming.

I asked him why he thought his life turned out this way, and he listed many factors, from a teacher who had belittled him early in life (I remmber the teacher, and liked her a lot), to his "emasculating" wife, who turned his kids against him, and, mostly, to his "evil" parents, now long dead.

I remembered his parents pretty well, though I only knew them through the prism of childhood. They were always more bookish than the typical LI types. His father was a school administrator, as I recall, and his mother a nurse. They always invited us into the house, and I even remember a meal or two I shared there.

Apparently they had a side darker than midnight, according to my friend. He went on about their mental abuse, and belittling of him, and all manner of awfulness...

But, I countered, your father got you a job you still have, even though you admit you're a screw up there. "Just one more example of how he controls me, even from the grave."

10 years ago, I might have tried to reach out more to him. I travel to NYC, and I might have looked him up, and tried to coach him on.

No more. After we hung up, I decided to write him off. I can't stand the loser attitude he has. How every reason for his failure is someone else's doing. He coulda been a contenda...

I ended our call with my typical optimism. It probably enraged him, I don't know. I reminded him about all of his qualities, how he was still young, and could start all over again. He had his health (I'm guessing a liver transplant is not too far off), and his sharp sense of humor, etc...

He wasn't having any of it. He wanted me to understand his utter despair, how there was no way out, and the next I'd hear about him would be a call from his younger brother (a NYPD officer) telling me of the end.

Years ago, one of my mentors, a UM Engineering Professor from an awful background, told me he thought it all boiled down to attitude. Winners, he said, always seem to find a way to win, or at least learn and improve after their losses. Losers can be given all advantage, and still find a way to lose.

He was speaking from sad experience. One of his sons was an example of the latter.

I wish my old LI buddy well. Maybe lightning will strike. Maybe he'll meet a lady who'll lift him out of his despair.

From my standpoint, though, as hard as it sounds, I don't want to be involved...