California Grandma?

Wifey, D2, and I visited ancient Mom the other day. It was clear her dementia had increased, as her physical mobility had decreased.

She is such a good faker -- her pleasant conversational technique belies that she rarely understands what one says to her, but 91 years of amiability and pleasantness and one of the highest EQ numbers of all time taught her wonderful facial and conversational cues...you think she enjoys and undersands what you say, but if you listen closely, you hear a line of non sequiters...

And she masks her physical infirmity by pretending to pause for conversation rather than get out of a chair. We brought lunch for her, and it took her a solid 10 minutes to traverse the distance from her Florida room to kitchen --all of about 25 feet.

She launched her usual pre emptive strike against going to the ALF, but then Wifey mentioned something we had kicked around for awhile --maybe an extended visit to my sister Sue in California. For once, Mom didn't immediately reject the idea, and now it's in play.

Sue just closed a business, and has plenty of time. She has a lovely one story house. She loves my mother, of course. As Wifey points out, the added income to her (we'd send Mom's monthly Social Security check along with Mom) wouldn't hurt...

So just maybe...

I remembered that after Mom performed her comical demolition derby a few years ago, the cop took her license. So she has no picture ID, and needs one to fly. My Florida sister has been deputized to procure a new ID for Mom, and continue the campaign of getting her to at least consider a change.

We're taking D2 back to college next week, and will stop by Mom's on the way home. I plan to give her an offer she can't refuse: California or the ALF. She simply can't continue living alone.

She's lost any real concept of others' lives --she's become like a toddler --it's all about her. But unlike a toddler, she's not been declared legally incompetent, and has every right to live as she pleases. But again, something has to give.

Last year, she robbed D2 of the spotlight of her college move in -- Mom had a fall, and my sister was in Tampa, and so the thought of Mom on the floor alone in her condo hung over what should have been a delightful right of passage like a storm cloud.

Not this year. Wifey and I plan to head up the Turnpike to Gainesville, schlep the stuff to D2's sorority house room, and kiss her and wish her a great sophomore year.

And then we'll see about Mom again.

Wifey and I would have to accompany her to California. I can't do it alone, as trips to the ladies' room with her would get me arrested, in a comical variation on the Tea Party congressman Larry Craig...

Wifey's the best --she truly loves her mother in law, and volunteered for what is NOT a fun trip --from Fort LAuderdale to Dallas to Fresno and then an hour drive to my sister's. I offered a fun tail --San Francisco or Vegas --but she said no --this is about Mom and getting her situated, at least temporarily.

Who knows? Even if she goes, it may be a disaster, and we'll need to bring her back here. But, I figure, for a 91 year old, there is no sense in long term planning --if you can give her a month or 2 at a time of a decent life, then that's the best to hope for.

It's funny: Mom left the Bronx in 1944 and headed to California to marry my Dad, who was stationed in Pasadena during the War. The married there, and started what became my family.

She loved California, as did my father. In fact, he used to tell me that one regret he had in his life was not staying there after the War. He mused about whether he might have ended up in the entertainment industry somehow --maybe as a writer.

They were salad days for Mom, too. She got a job working as secretary for the Dean of Caltech, a brilliant Southernor (she doesn't recall his name) who amazed her by offering her a vacation day for Yom Kippur --he was a Baptist, but respectful of all religions. To my mother, this represented a truly educated man...

Mom and Dad had a little bungalow, and she'd walk to Owl Drugs, and then catch a trolley to campus. Dad was at the Huntington Hotel (now a Ritz Carlton) helping prevent the Japanese from attacking Southern California. He used to joke that no subs or ships made it to LA under his watch...

So will Mom return to this storied land at the end of her life? I guess we'll all stay tuned.