Remembrance Of Things Past

 So I joined a FaceBook (tm) group called, I think, because I can't exactly remember, "Remembering South Florida." It's a page where old people, typically Boomers or Gen X types, post pictures of long closed restaurants and attractions and everyone posts nostalgia tinged comments about how "Thurmans had the greasiest but best burgers," etc...

Since I've lived here nearly 42 years now, I know and recognize most of the places, and enjoy going down memory lane. Today someone posted about a notorious establishment from the mid 80s, and it brought back a funny recollection.

I had my first lawyer job working for an anti-Semite I'll call Dan Schwartz, since that was his name. That job alone was hilarious in that I assumed he was Jewish, being born in Miami with that name and being a double Cane, and he assumed I was NOT Jewish, but "German like me."

We learned our true identities when he sent me to meet a claims rep in NY named Stu Meyers, and advised "Count your fingers after you shake his hand -- he's your typical NY Jew." I answered, "Oh -- like me." He was shocked. "You're Jewish? Your name is German. I don't think I'd have hired you if I knew." And then he chuckled. I chuckled, too -- I needed the job, as I already owned a house with a mortgage, and I'd just grimace when he made his other Jewish jokes. He hosted a Christmas party at his club, La Gorce, and told me as we walked in: "Remember -- place was long restricted. Don't bring up any Jew stuff."

Anyway, his secretary Marcy WAS Jewish. Very -- from Boston. Years later, when Mike Myers played his character Linda Richman, I was certain it was based on Marcy: big, brassy, bejeweled, smoked, and had a little white dog. I used to ask how she worked so long for an anti-semite. She'd shrug and say as long as her paycheck went through.

Marcy ran the place, and when she told this first year lawyer to do something, I did it. And that led to the tale.

I was covering a hearing in the Broward Courthouse, and after it was over, called the office from the pay phone. This was 1986 or 1987. Marcy said "Whatever you do, do NOT return to the office without donuts!"

And so I left, and figured if I drove south on US 1, I'd find a donut place, and then get on the highway for the drive back Downtown. Sure enough, a few blocks south of Broward Boulevard, I saw a sign in a strip center: R Donuts. I parked and went inside.

Even though I wasn't the top of my class law graduate, I knew immediately this was no Dunkin. It had freaking TOPLESS WAITRESSES!. I felt as if I had wandered onto a Cheech and Chong movie set. There were racks of donuts, and, well, a lot of tits.

I sat at the counter, and a 40 something lady came up to me -- wearing a cowboy hat and pendulous breasts. "What can I get you, sweetie?" I said "I need a dozen to go." She burst out laughing. NO ONE got donuts to go. The entire raison de' etre of the place was to enjoy the view while you ate your donuts!

The cowgirl said "Hey -- this guy just ordered a dozen to go!" The other waitresses as well as maybe 5 other guys at the counter all started laughing hysterically. Making it better, I was in my gray, JC Penny bought suit with the red lawyer tie. The only thing missing was a huge L hat.

"Sorry -- I have a mean office manager, and she wants me to bring her donuts. But I'd love to stay."

The cowgirl smiled, but there was another problem -- no takeout boxes! They went in the back and found a box that I guess coffee had come in, and she plucked a dozen donuts.

Then came the next problem. As typical , I only had $20 of cash on me, and R was a cash only business. The dozen were $24! And they didn't take credit cards! Now I felt like an even bigger schmuck.

But the waitress turned out to be a topless donut barista with a heart of gold, and said "It's ok sweetie -- just give me your little $20 bill. The laughs you gave us more than make up for it."

 I left -- box of R rated donuts in hand -- my face the same color of my tie.

I handed Linda Richman Marcy the donuts. She asked why the funky box -- I told her simply they were out of the regular ones. She said the donuts were fine, as she scarfed down her third one.

I told the truth to my friend Luis, a senior associate whose name was on the firm. I think Luis still practices insurance defense law in Miami -- he must be late 60s by now. He LOVED the tail, and more importantly, said he planned to visit next time HE was in the Broward Courthouse. I reminded him to take cash.