I Want To Hire Kenyatta

 So here are Wifey and me, enjoying a quiet Thursday morning, awaiting a call from Lexus of Kendall about my girlie sedan. The car is only 8 months old, and already has a recurring problem: it occasionally fails to start. It makes a clicking noise, and requires me to shift the shifter, get out, lock and open the car, and eventually it starts.

I noticed the problem in December, and brought it in, much to my annoyance, as I was quarantining. It was fixed, supposedly, and I was told the problem was I was driving too rarely -- and the battery was thus never charging. So I set about taking the car out at least weekly. Nope -- problem still happens. So I drove it over today, and walked the 3.2 miles home. When they call, I'll walk the 3.2 miles back to fetch the hopefully repaired, and not lemon vehicle. Ah -- first world problems.

Wifey was exercising, and got a call. She told me to answer, and I did. It was a stern voiced young man named Jay, calling from Snap Recovery, about a medical bill Wifey never paid -- in the amount of $246.99. If we didn't pay TODAY, angry Jay said, they would "ruin" Wifey's credit.

I calmly asked Jay the name of the doctor and date of service -- he only had the corporate name Superior Medical Solutions. No -- "privacy" prevented him from sharing that information -- but again -- he could take a check or credit card to immediately prevent the ruination of Wifey's sterling credit.

I went on offense -- knowing, as I do, a bit about Federal Law and debt collection. I told Jay I was an attorney, and did he realize if his attempt was improper in any way, HIS company would become the prey instead of predator. His tough voice wavered a bit -- he would put me on with his supervisor. I was then cut off.

I called back. In the mean time, I looked up Superior -- it was a pain doc in West Kendall. Wifey checked her notes -- indeed her MOTHER had been to them for injections for shoulder pain. My ancient suegra uses our address. So I immediately solved the mystery -- it was my mother in law who was the patient, and they mistakenly were trying to bill Wifey.

When I called back, I got Kenyatta on the phone. I tried to calmly explain the mistake. Kenyatta, on speaker phone, was having none of it. She talked fast and full of malaprops -- "You, sir, are CONFLATING the two issues." I told her she was using the word wrong -- that got her talking even faster.

She just kept demanding my credit card information to resolve this before there were "major repo - cussions." For some reason, I kept thinking of Eddie Murphy in the early scenes of "Trading Places."

But Kenyatta -- there is a mistake, I pleaded. Would you pay a bill for someone else? No -- Kenyatta was adamant -- these mistakes do NOT happen -- we'd better pay.

I then called Superior, which turns out is the trade name for an osteopath named Dr. Reynolds, and spoke to his nice Latina manager. She actually remembered my mother in law, and of course agreed there was a mistake. Well, I told her, you might want to call off your collection pitbulls before they get Dr. Reynolds in a heap of problems.

Also, last time I checked, a patient with Medicaid as well as Medicare cannot be balanced billed. I doubt the good doctor or his staff would wish to be interviewed by a Federal official -- all over $246.99.

So as I write, I assume the Latina is calling Kenyatta, and maybe Jay,and I'll hear nothing more from them. 

Or, if we get lucky, and I tend to get lucky, they will continue to go after Wifey and indeed alert credit agencies about a bill Wifey doesn't owe. I then get to have my friend Mike's firm go after Snap Recovery. Suing a collection agency would be a hoot -- and give me a nice hobby.

But regardless, I want to hire Kenyatta. This woman was a warrior -- hearing nothing except "OK -- here's my credit card number."

Law firms could use more Kenyattas...