Declining Parents and the Breakup of Families

Yesterday was a gorgeous Miami day, as the remnants of a nasty Nor'easter made their way South, and left us with cooler temperatures and low humidity.  Still, I was called indoors at noon, to Shula's, where I met a very old friend who I converted to a Canes fan.  We sat at the bar and watched our boys win again.

On the one hand, I was happy, but as things turned out later, I was bummed.  I bought tickets to the ACC tourney in Brooklyn, and was sure the Canes would play the first three days.  Their success has given them a double bye, so I won't get to see them before I leave for home Thursday night.  Still, I have plans to meet Dr. Barry and his family -- Barry made the same strategic mistake -- and now there will be TWO dinners with D2.  Once again, my sports prognostication fell short.

But more significant was a long talk I had with my friend.  He's the oldest of three successful brothers, and his parents are retired and, pursuant to Federal law, living in Boynton Beach.  They're aging, and his father in particular is declining.  And my friend, since he lives in South Florida, is bearing the brunt of the burden of the parents.

He spoke to his brothers, and asked for some financial help.  He got wimpy replies -- kids in private colleges, big mortgages -- we'd LIKE to help you, but...

I told him he needed to call a brothers' meeting, and set things on the table.  If his siblings don't step up to the plate, it will result in the end of their relationship.  It's just the way things go in modern America...

And then last night Wifey and I met long time friends for dinner in the Grove.  Dr. Lew's Mom died last year, and his brother was likewise barely involved in her care.  And then after the Mom died, he became resentful that the lady hadn't left him more money.

Lew was more successful than his brother, but the younger sibling was by no means a loser -- long time federal employee, with a fat pension awaiting his retirement.  But he always resented his brother's doing better, and had the attitude that Lew owed the failing parent more than he did.  The two will likely never speak again.

I always joke that my generation of late Baby Boomers was given a manual for life -- and it talked about getting a college and grad school education, marrying someone who'd make a good life partner, and then raising happy and terrific kids.  The manual left out the part about dealing with declining parents.

Many of my friends nonetheless excelled in that area.  Paul was the most devoted son of anyone I know -- and Eric and Barry were (are, in Barry's case) likewise dedicated, loving, and great.  And all of them had siblings who fairly shared the load.

A few months ago, I ran into another friend's younger sister, in town from the Midwest.  She was telling me how she felt bad for her brother, who is local and heavily dealing with his newly widowed mother.  The sister has younger kids, and a full time job.

I asked if I could offer advice.  Yes, she said.  I told her to do whatever she could to share her brother's burden -- take the old lady to her house frequently -- come here for visits whenever possible.  She adores her brother, and they've always been close.  Beware, I warned her -- the decline of their mother can lead to a breakup of their sibling relationship.  I know this too well...

We joked with Lew and his wife last night that of the many things I love about Wifey, the fact that she's an only child is high on the list.  Yes, we had the burden of her father without anyone else, and are still dealing with her Mother, who is 93 and seems like she may well reach 100.  At least there's no sibling anger or resentment -- taking care of parents is a Top 5 Commandment, and Wifey does it well.  It is my duty to assist, and I do so -- she is always amazed I rarely beg off visits to the Palace.  I would rather be many other places, but it's the right thing to do.

Yesterday reinforced the truth that for many, caring for declining parents is something to run away from.