Honesty versus of Integrity

Years ago I read an article with that title in one of the smart magazines -- maybe "Atlantic Monthly." The writer, a well known ethics expert, explained the difference between the two. Many people feel "I HAVE to be honest -- no matter what!" But having integrity goes deeper -- examining whether or not the honesty is harmful or hurtful, and the motives of the speaker. For example, he used the wife attending her dying husband at bedside. He had only a few days to live, and the wife decided it was time to be "honest." She admitted to him that she had a long term affair with his brother, had always loved the brother more, and felt the truth needed to be told before the husband left life. Of course, this bout of honesty was awful. It robbed the dying man of peace during his final hours, and served only to unburden the slutty wife of her guilt. No action could be taken with the revelation -- too late for divorce -- and this was an example of zero integrity for the sake of telling the truth. Spock, of Star Trek, also added that the failing to disclose information is not a lie, logically... Anyway, I thought about this after a long talk with Mirta over the weekend, about a relative of hers, a long closeted gay man. His mother was on her last legs, and always thought her son was just one of those "confirmed bachelors." The woman is a strict Catholic, and couldn't ever accept her son's homosexuality. While many of us find that abhorrent -- well, that was the nature of their relationship for over a half century. The man told his mother -- he was gay. He wasn't going to "live in the shadows" with his mother -- even during her last days. The old woman died praying constantly for her son, and sad, and miserable. In my opinion, the son, now out of the closet with his mother, is also a supreme asshole. I approach 30 years of marriage with Wifey in January, so maybe I'm at least a bit of an expert in that regard. With total honesty, we couldn't have lasted a year. When we last dressed well for an event, I asked her how I looked. "You look amazingly good," she replied. The truth was, of course, "you're a gray haired, 50 lb overweight nearly 55 year old man, whose skin is getting leathery, and bear little resemblance to the 22 year old thin, fit guy I fell in love with over 3 decades ago. How do you think you look???" Wifey has integrity, of course, and so tells me the sweet little lies we all must tell if we truly care about others' feelings. To unburden ourselves is nice, and freeing, but we have to ask what is the cost? I don't want to be friends with Mirta's cousin. Often it's better and cooler to know when to stay in the shade...