So the plan was for Wifey and me to drive up to Stu's Mom's funeral at 2 in Hollywood, and so I checked Waze and it said 1.2 hours to arrive. Wifey was FAST asleep at 1145, and when I emerged from the shower gave her the news that we needed to leave in an hour. She grunted.
I was on only 5 hours of sleep, and without the capacity for my usual gentle nudges to get her going, and so told her if she preferred to skip -- that was fine. She assured me if it was IMPORTANT to me she would rally and go, but I begged off -- I would attend the service, some deli at Stu's at the shiva, and then have dinner with D2 in the Shores. The best laid plans...
I was cruising along on the Palmetto express lane, and got on the bridge to I-75, when the man sized Caddy started to shudder and cough. Was it the repaired tire from Saturday? All I knew is, I was losing power like a jet plane with a suicidal jihadist pilot, and so eased to the left breakdown lane -- fortunately this was a new bridge with ample room.
Car wasn't totally off, but wouldn't shift or move. I got a text from OnStar: "Engine and Transmission Problem -- Service Vehicle Immediately." Thanks, Sherlock.
So I was parked on the ramp, sunny weather, pretty ok, but truly nowhere to go. As I later figured out, I simply should have called AAA, but instead hit the OnStar button. The nice lady found me on her map, and said SHE would call an AAA tow truck, but also alert FHP since I was kind of "in danger."
No worries -- it was hot, but I was in place, and immediately looked skyward and thanked the Big Man for NOT having Wifey with me. She is, how to say it, NOT very stoic, and the heat an uncomfortability of the situation -- well -- I was relieved to experience it alone.
About 15 minutes later, a trooper pulled up from the southbound lane, asked if I was ok (I was) but said he was calling the FHP Road Ranger to move me off the ramp. Fine -- I told him a tow truck had me on their "priority list" and would be along soon -- he drove off.
10 minutes after that, a flat bed Ranger pulled up, with his supervisor in a van pulling behind me -- they were both professional and led me to the flat bed. "But AAA is coming," I said -- but they insisted on moving me off the bridge to a "Safer place." And they did -- driving to the Miami Gardens exit. I asked if he could drop me in the bank parking lot, but the driver said "No -- we're not allowed to drop at private property -- you know how those lawyers are." Yes I do -- I was driving the man sized Caddy because of how those lawyers are -- and he unloaded my car in a wide swath of asphalt just East of I-75.
I then re-called OnStar, who got a local AAA dispatcher, but I had "lost" my priority and now the wait would be 1.5 hours. They sent me a link showing the driver was coming from WEST FREAKING KENDALL, and the fellow called me, with zero English, and sort of asked where I was. I thought -- he's a tad off, but that's ok -- nice when the disabled can get jobs, and I set about waiting.
The car was steamy, and the windows worked, but the rain kept starting so I spent most of the time outside under my $5 Home Depot umbrella. An hour later Stu called, telling me if I wanted to skip I didn't need to make up this tale -- we laughed -- I told him like WC Fields I would prefer to be in the cemetery.
I spoke with D2 and Paul -- offered to fetch me -- but I needed to wait to get the car to the dealer -- and so I had a long, hot, wet slog. OnStar said they'd tow me to Vera Caddy, which is where the car was leased from, but I never visited -- they delivered it to me.
Finally, around 430, the driver showed up. Sure enough, something was off. He struggled to get my SUV onto the flatbed since it wouldn't shift to Neutral. He pointed that I wait in the Cab, When I got in and shut the door, I realized what was going on: it REEKED of weed! Great. They sent me Cheech and Chong Garcia!!!!
After a half hour or so, he got the thing onto the truck, and showed me the address of Vera on his phone, and I nodded. "But how we go?" I asked if he had been to Broward ever, in my broken Spanish. He shook his head -- I think he literally arrived from La Habana last week -- but he already had a weed connection.
I wazed the way, and pointed it to him -- turns out U Turn doesn't translate well -- but 24 minutes later, we arrived at the dealership. The driver seemed to struggle with directions from the Vera folks, too, and I climbed down from the truck, left him the key, and headed to the service Department.
Affable GIO saw my truck had been towed in, and we hit it off. He checked online and said "Hey -- you got the car from us -- this is your first time back!" I explained I lived well over an hour away, and he said they'd come fetch the vehicle for service. Fine, I said, assuming I GET my vehicle back -- I showed Gio the message I had received, and he frowned knowingly.
But, he offered to get me an Uber home, and I told him not all the way to Pinecrest -- just Miami Shores, as Wifey got herself together and agreed to drive up.
My Uber was due at 513. At 530, I walked to Gio and said "Not to be a pest -- but where ma ride?" He checked -- the Uber by Caddy driver had ALSO gotten lost! Ok -- so the day was becoming more absurd. Gio canceled him and ordered another, and finally at 6, a black Lyric showed up, driven by a very nice Black man named Donald.
Turned out, he was in the mood to play bartender and hear my woes of the day, and he was a retired civil engineer and we had a delightful conversation over the 45 minute drive. I arrived at D2's house -- Jonathan was home working, and Wifey was there, and D2 had gotten us Pura Vida, and Jonathan poured me a Tito's, and all was well.
We went to leave, and Jonathan had on Monday Night Football, and the channel kept changing. Hmmm-- where was the remote? Wifey had plopped it into her purse by mistake, and was about to leave with it. That would have prompted an Uber Deliver like the time I had to send up her key fob since she left it in D2's refrigerator so she wouldn't misplace it but forgot -- Aviva found it the next day behind a milk carton.
Anyway -- I await the call from Vera -- I'm assuming this will be a complicated repair, and they'll arrange a loaner or rental car, and then drive back my man -sized Caddy at some point.
I'm also waiting for Dan the Gate Man this afternoon -- the 10 year old keypad finally gave up the ghost.
I was reflecting with Paul about repairs yesterday am -- I used to dread hearing the news that a repairman was coming -- both for the time it took away from the office (I always handled technical stuff like gates and electricians) and the cost. Now, I have plenty of time and enough money.
Of course, saying that must have jinxed my later SUV journey.
My trainer pointed out that my car died on the way to a funeral. Better the car than another funeral.
That, as they say, is that.
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