Prisons Of Our Own Making

 I get to travel mostly in very privileged circles. My California sister always points this out -- her tales of friends typically include awful hard luck tales, and as she said "My friends aren't rich doctors and lawyers like yours are."

Still, if I learned anything during these nearly 65 years on the planet, it's that NO ONE is immune from misery and darkness -- no matter how great things look. I first saw this in literature in the great poem Richard Corry by Edward Arlington Robinson -- the rich man admired by all the schleppers in the town, who had it all, and "went home and put a bullet in his head."

The other day I spoke to an old friend who hosted his kids and granddaughter for a week -- they live up North. I asked him about the stay, and all he could tell me about was how "the house is finally back in order -- toys put away -- and laundry all done." I knew him well enough to tell him I didn't give a hell about his house -- how were the humans? But this poor guy, who suffered all his adult life and continues to suffer from awful OCD -- to him -- it was all about restoring the order to his world after the tumult of a family visit.

His wife said the other night "I'm sure we've lost friends because of this -- when people come visit, which is rare, my husband spends the time cleaning up after them -- that tends to make guests feel uncomfortable." Ya think? One past the Woody Allen-like humor in it, I realized he has true suffering -- how can you savor life if your inner voice is compelling you to restore order?

We ALL have demons, and fight them daily, if we can. I joke that, despite my cheerful demeanor, my anxiety is a constant -- truly relieved only by sleeping, drinking, and, well...And as I age, these three respites are harder and harder to come by. I guess I could up my drinking, but don't plan to . Truth is, I never drink alone -- to me -- it's a social lubricant and makes the laughs louder. 

I'm also in a cohort that worries FAR too much about our adult children -- are they happy -- are they making proper choices? I can't help but contrast this with my own experience -- largely NOT needing parental help once I was in high school -- loving the closeness and sage wisdom of my Dad -- but that ended 4 days before I turned 21. From that point on, I supported Mom far more than the other way around -- I wouldn't have DREAMED of burdening her with my difficulties -- I was the MAN -- and I had to watch after her.

Same with Wifey, and her Survivor parents. As immigrants, Wifey navigated THEM through life in America, and not vice versa. So much of our marriage focused on THEIR needs -- were they happy where they lived -- were the finances in order -- Wifey, an only child, handled all of this with my help.

We didn't share concerns about the Ds with any of the 3 grandparents -- grandparents were there to babysit and have fun with. All 3 died without knowing anything about chronic health issues of any of ours, and without knowing any of the crises we dealt with. 

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do, as Joe Walsh sang. Wifey and I are privileged to be VERY close to the Ds and their families -- and eagerly take on roles of support and help -- financially and emotionally.

D1 said the other day how her monkeys "are a lot." Yeah they are, but I reminded them, if Big Man willing they grow and become independent like MOST boys do from their mothers, before she knows it they'll be Middle Schoolers and hopefully wanting less and less to do with her -- just "leave me alone Mom, but can I have a ride to the (        )? as one of the parenting books Wifey read explained.

The alternative is FAR scarier -- we know plenty of failure to launch, or failure to fully launch adult kids still living at home with their parents -- either not working at all, or working and emotionally not ready to get on with independent lives. One friend, a doc in Broward, has THREE of these! All in their 30s, and living at home. 

So I don't see privilege when I see my friends -- I just see folks very blessed in many ways, but cursed in others -- in other words -- flawed, imperfect, but often still wonderful human beings. And though we may look at their lives and see them in prison with the keys to the cell within reach -- that's not the point. Hopefully they grab those keys themselves and walk out into the sun.